Page 144 - harryDEC12_clean.iba

Sex and pleasure, just as a man in my age really always wanted - that is to say, if he is not looking for a soul mate and I was not. I had my inner sanctum, occupied by memories. Uwe, the dentist, and his lover “Mutze” were different; they were and would remain different from all the other people in my circle of friends, adaptable and without a proper ambitious profile. They took things as they came, showed Martha reverence and a fitting respect and did not challenge her. I did not fail to notice that it was this form of deference in which Martha flew in top form. But I failed to see further than that.
Two months later Martha and I flew to Ibiza. Another invitation. There I gathered experiences of another kind. It was a trip with friends I had known for a long time. Chris my flat mate from Hamburg, in his usual self-centered manner had invited us. He had at his disposal, in an invincibly egomaniacal manner, the Finca of a Spanish friend, to which he arbitrarily invited everyone who came to his mind. On this second trip I for the first time noticed flaws in Martha’s social behaviour that consisted of i.e. abrupt rejection of certain characters and in merciless defamation of my friends that she had just met. That happened with reliable regularity, as soon as we had retired to the isolation of our lodgings. This was odd, but I have a patient and forgiving character, that does not always work to my benefit.
One evening I had enough of her high-handedness and contempt for people, her arrogance and egomania and disrespect for my friends. A violent physical conflict developed which ended in Martha throwing out of the window the valuable golden circlet that I had bought her in a rush of generosity. The circlet was lost and with it a part of my respect for her - that would leave a scar in my mind, but not deep enough, to trigger the appropriate reaction. I never forget her hate-filled glance in the moment of her deed. They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul.
The next morning she tried to cover up the deep scratches her talons have torn across my face with makeup. But my friends noticed them and exchanged questioning looks, though not worried ones - maybe it was SM practice - I saw in their eyes. I stared defiantly to the front as if nothing has happened, without saying a word, but I had difficulty to control my temper. That should have been enough warning for me, but it was not. An inexplicable situational power had begun to take possession of me. And so I missed my last chance to avoid a painful experience. I was quite aware that this was not a good beginning, but on top of my forgiving nature, I am also incredibly ignorant at times and so I suppressed that awareness, for a start reluctantly, then increasingly with willingness in my subconscious. Consciously I accepted in my phantasies the most favorable developments, intentionally overlooking possible disturbances (I was not the master of the complex situation) and driven by a really pathological libido that focussed me on Martha, as well by an inflated ego and the
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