Page 70 - March 2022

My View: Being a Cop’s Spouse
Marriage to a first responder means worry, loneliness, exhaustion ... and enormous pride
Being the spouse of a first responder is a point of pride. While I don’t consider it to define a large part of my identity, it actually does. It impacts my every day in a very big way called my life! It means I bear a lot of responsibilities alone for 48 to 72 hours a week.
I think my partner is very appreciated, but I wor- ry. It’s actually sad, because I’m so stressed about my husband, Tim, having a heart attack (studies show it can happen due to lack of sleep, etc.), but the community he serves appreciates him — and
all first responders — because they know life would be so much worse without them. When my mind is racing, I’m not so sure we talk enough about all of it and how it actually af- fects our lives and especially our children’s lives, because we all know what we endure for our children’s well-being!
My husband, Tim, and I are on the same page concerning the hard work that goes into living here in Chicago. I am a woman of honesty, and I am owning it, so let me share our life with you. The Lodge asked me to do this, but it was very healing for me, because I knew what all my CPD wives, friends and clients were going through, too — and hey, let’s remember that many of those CPD women outrank their CPD partners and husbands. So here are my feelings, all laid out.
It’s a shared calendar full of shift schedules so you can let your family know if you can attend that special dinner, bap- tism, shower, birthday, holiday, etc. Mostly, they understand that you don’t have a standard Monday-to-Friday 9-to-5 schedule, but a lot of times they don’t.
Meals are peanut butter and jelly, mac and cheese (Kraft or Annie’s), Tombstone pizzas or American grilled cheese. Or takeout, which is my favorite because that means you can be late, because you just got off of a long day of work, but din- ner, homework, baths and bedtime fall squarely on your tired shoulders.
Well, wait until college visits! Little kids, little problems and big kids, big problems. The best advice I ever got from Cap- tain Jack Murphy and Anne Murphy, the best pseudo-parents I ever had, who give great advice (to this day, I go to them for a lot): Trust your wise elders (and they have been through a lot).
Sometimes, it’s a big problem or stress that you want to talk through, but it will have to wait for a night when you’re both together.
It’s a standing appointment with an empty bed to collapse into during tours.
It’s a lonely silence in your still home after bedtime begins. I’m alone a lot and I’m lonely. I’m owning it! (Think about sports and school functions.)
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It’s a sinking feeling of dread you just can’t shake when you haven’t gotten a text back in a few hours.
It’s a shared TV series that can’t be touched until you’re both together, because no matter how badly you’re dying to watch, you promised you’d wait.
It’s a toddler wandering around the house calling for their vacant parent. That’s actually the worst part of being married to a 911 responder, and the desperate distraction techniques that I need to come up with that follow.
My husband is so tired from working all night in active Chi- cago that we are like ships in the night, passing each other while I’m getting up to go to work at 9 a.m. and help my awe- some clients. I worry if I do not let him sleep he will have a heart attack, especially when he drags himself out of bed to work his second job — some officers on CPD work extra jobs to make it here in Chicago.
It’s birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and Fourth of July celebrations at a station, surrounded by your second family, the people who bear your shared burdens in quiet and loving ways.
It’s stupid fights and short tempers because 24 hours is a long time to be at work, waiting for an alarm or call at any mo- ment.
It’s smiling and attentively listening and laughing at stories after a shift ends, while the coffee brews and the sun rises be- fore you go to work, and feeling like you are both ships passing in the night.
It’s experiencing the pride that beams from your heart when the love of your life saves the love of someone else’s life with bravery, quick thinking, CPR or first aid.
It’s being a shoulder to nuzzle and a warm embrace when your partner lived a stranger’s worst day alongside them and absorbed their grief.
It’s smelly equipment bags and uniforms drenched in sweat, bodily fluids, ash and mud.
It’s a thankfulness to love someone who loves you and your children with the same boundless selflessness they take to their job.
At the end of every day, it’s falling asleep knowing your part- ner joyfully lives to serve others as a first responder, and the sacrifices you make alongside them are truly small drops in the sea of goodness they bring to your community.
To all the partners of first responders holding down the fort on all of those solo days and nights, I see your sacrifices. They aren’t invisible, and you never truly bear those burdens alone, because we are in this together. When you’re running on emp- ty or feeling that pit of loneliness, raise that coffee or beverage of choice up and know that I’m toasting mine to you.
LISA SANDERS