Page 39 - August 2017

1st Place: Ron Gaines
Ron Gaines was a favorite from the start. From the mo- ment Gaines was announced as the fourth act of the night, cheers erupted from the au- dience of supporters who re- membered Gaines’ stand-up from years past and anticipat- ed his natural humor and im- peccable timing to deliver the punchline.
Kenyatta Gaines surprises her husband and Laugh Patrol winner Ron, by getting on stage for the second year in a row to perform.
words to remember R-F-N: Right F***ing Now. You put that on the end of everything your wife says and your mar- riage will be safer. Can you take out the garbage?... Right F***ing Now.”
In addition to being a police officer for 18 years, Gaines’ family life is embedded in law
Gaines takes it all
“I don’t think I’m funny, but apparently I guess I am,” Gaines said amusingly after being named Chicago’s Fun- niest Cop.
Many of his fans gathered in the front row were some of Gaines’ classmates who are also working to earn a doctor- ate in education. But it was Gaines’ jokes about marriage, race and of course, President Trump, that earned the judg- es’ votes and the crowd’s roar of laughter.
“Marriage is hard,” he began. “I love my wife to death, but let me tell all the guys out here that there are three
enforcement. His mother, his sister and his wife, Kenyatta, are on the job. And Gaines isn’t the only one in the family who can crack jokes. Kenyatta was added to the show at last minute and surprised the audience and her husband when Ahern announced her to the stage following his act.
“In the five years that they’ve had this event, she’s the only woman who has done it,” Gaines shared of his wife who also had the crowd busting out in laughter during her second time performing at the Funniest Cop event. “I saw a different side of my own wife after I’ve been with her since 16 years old.”
median who made about a hundred appearances on The Tonight Show. Dreesen was unable to join the event this year because he was attending the funeral for Barbara Sinatra, whose husband, Frank, had him as his opening act for more than 20 years.
“I want you to keep in mind that the performers tonight, they’re not professionals,” Ahern reminded the crowd. “They put their lives on the line every single day to keep us safe, now they’re going to put their ass on the line to try and make you laugh.”
Ahern’s introduction kicked off two hours of hysterics as 10 officers from across Chicago shared stories about their personal life and run-ins with the law that all officers can relate to, while giving civilians a rare but prized look at the men and women beyond the badge.
The eternity that Roberts perceived under the spotlight quickly dissipated the moment he stepped on stage and tested the crowd with his first joke about being a retired cop and Laugh Patrol first-timer.
“I’m retired, not retarded,” he clarified. “But, somehow that was probably one of the prerequisites to getting up here tonight.”
That initial outburst of laughter is like music to an offi- cer-turned-comedian’s ears. It’s like the validation a rookie cop receives after his or her first response to a scene where their assistance is met by the genuine gratitude of a civil- ian in need. It was that encouragement of laughter that broke the ice and pushed Roberts forward as he paced the stage back and forth, using the mic as a prop and his age as the focal point of his humor.
“I’m going to tell you, it’s not fun getting old,” Roberts began. “I spent my whole life feeling like everyone was looking at me like I was slowly becoming their grandpa. It’s not fun being retired because I’m home in the daytime,
and if you’ve ever watched daytime commercials...that s**t is depressing. I’m looking at what my life is going to be: wheelchairs, stair lifts. I’m thinking about Viagra. Alex Trebek just told me I need to make plans for my funeral so I don’t have to leave my family in debt.”
From old age to prank calls and angry spouses, the ma- terial from the Laugh Patrol made it clear that holding similar careers does not translate to similar humor. The one thing many of the participants did share was their wiliness to poke fun at themselves and the very import- ant job they serve as Chicago Police Officers. Such was the case for Russell Schultz, who opened the show with some encouraging words from his biggest fan – his mother.
“When I told my mom, I’m doing the Laugh Factory again this year, her first reaction was, ‘Oh God, no. What are you going to wear?’” he sent up with an impersonation of his mother.
“You know, I’m going to dress real casual. Comedians just wear regular shorts and a shirt,” Schultz responded. “Comedian? You’re not a comedian...you’re barely a cop!”
Having worked for the 100 Club of Chicago since Laugh Patrol began in 2013, the organization’s Chief Operating Officer Caitlyn Brennan has seen it all on this stage. She’s heard all types of jokes from the crude to the creative. She’s laughed along with Father Dan Brandt and Rabbi Moshe Wolf’s bit in past years (both of whom were unable to at- tend this year) and silently selected her favorite storyteller in her own head.
But this year, her laughs really counted, as she joined the judging panel for the first time and had to rate the hys- terical officers she had come to know over the years as the returning veterans who aren’t afraid to do stand-up for a noble cause.
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