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Coping with Loss and Grief by Sheila W. Boneham, Ph.D., Book Review Editor
Iprefer to focus on the happy aspects of living with dogs and other animals, and I suspect you do too. But as we all know, life doesn’t run on a smooth, straight track, and there are times when we need help to get past the rough spots and continue on our way. I’ve rediscovered a pair of books in updated versions that offer such help.
One price we pay for the honor of living with ani- mals is the pain we suffer when their too-short lives come to an end. Coincidence—or perhaps it is a form of grace—can be an odd phenomenon, and a week or so after we said farewell to our old doggy man, Dustin, the re-release of a compassionate and useful book came across my desk. Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet, second edition, by Moira Anderson Allen, M.Ed., is truly a book for anyone who loves or has loved a pet, and I’d recommend parts of it to anyone who knows a pet lover, too. The 2004 printing of the book is essentially the same as the 1996 printing from Alpine Publications, although Ms. Allen self-published the new version to keep the book in print.
The early chapters deal with what you might expect from the title—the emotional repercussions of having a pet die. Allen begins with a sensitive discussion of grief and the range of emotions that often accompany grief—anger, pain, guilt, depression. She stresses that these are all normal feelings. If you’ve lost a number of beloved pets, this may seem obvious, but for people who have never lost a pet, or who have lost only a few spaced more than a decade apart, the grieving process may be (mercifully) less familiar. As dog fanciers who have a wide network of friends and acquaintances who also love animals, we may also forget that not every- one has such a supportive network and that there are still people out there who will say “It was only a dog.” Understanding that what we feel is normal, and that there are other people who understand, can bring enor- mous comfort. Grief is private, but it is also communal, and Allen is sensitive to both its aspects.
One of the best chapters covers a wide and practical range of “Coping Strategies,” from allowing time for grieving to rearranging your home. As in other parts of the book, Allen draws from the experiences of many pet owners, reinforcing the sense of community. Another chapter, “A Family Affair,” addresses typical differences in how women and men approach loss and grief, and also spends considerable time on helping children through the process. “Welcoming a New Pet” offers excellent advice on deciding when—and whether—to bring home a new pet, and many insights into the complex emotions that a new pet can arouse in differ- ent family members. Allen also addresses the complex and highly charged subjects of euthanasia and handling of the remains with a compelling mixture of practical- ity and tenderness. And the final chapter, “Helping a Friend,” is one that everyone who knows anyone who has loved and lost a pet should read, for, as Allen writes, “Love and friendship are what pets are all about.” If everyone understood that, the world couldn’t help but be a better place.
Three other chapters may be a surprise in a book focused primarily on death of a pet, but they’re full of valuable information. It’s easy become complacent about our animals’ safety, but well-cared-for dogs and cats do go missing every day. “The Missing Pet” provides practical advice about prevention and responding when a pet is missing. “Giving Up a Pet” discusses a topic that too many dog lovers trample as they ride their high horses. Allen writes gently about times when good pet owners must give up their pets, and offers valuable sug- gestions for planning ahead and rehoming responsibly.
May/June 2005 The Australian Shepherd Journal 37