Page 125 - Total War on PTSD

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.” - Earnest Hemingway
Courtenay: While each case of PTSD is unique, and carries its own drama, it is essential to keep in mind how routine, daily life can add salt to this invisible wound. Sometimes I have a hard time with my PTSD to the point that I don’t want to deal with it at all...choosing instead to try and ignore it as much as possible and to push my reactions to the related triggers deep down inside. When in Kandahar, I stored my luggage on top of my locker (which was more like a detached closet) and underneath my bunk. Sometimes I forgot to close one of the locker doors and couldn’t fall asleep until they were all secured. I always slept with my back to the wall so that I could feel that at least a part of me was protected when the lights were out.
Whenever I came back from work to me barracks room late, I had to change and go to bed in a room with just a dim light on the wall by my pillow (about seven feet away). Going to the
restroom to change would have been an option as well if not for my being reticent about going and out of my room and the bathroom late at night because of less than optimal lighting in our enclosed passageway. One thing I was consistently aware of was that, when I had to come out my room at night, there was always little light right outside my room...but also that the far end of the hallway always looked too dark to be able to see the shape of a person, let alone the doors at the far end. I was always worried that someone might be waiting down there in the dark for the chance to attack one of us. I hesitated to utilize the facilities in the early morning for the very same reason.
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