Page 242 - Total War on PTSD

people to the top. During your rehab, that’s the kind of friend you need by your side. You know, the one you avoid when you are trying to quit smoking. The one who will hold you accountable to reaching your goals. Often, that person is the one closest to you, but having been there myself, we can be too entrenched in our own self-pity to realize it. We can’t make it too difficult or too frustrating for our mates to help us through tragedy. Not to be confused, most mates are aware of the difficulties ahead for us. What happens is our own anger, self-pity, and depression compounds the obstacles for those attempting to help us, many times to the point of breakup, then we rationalize their leaving as their unwillingness to stick around, when the truth is that we pushed then away. The sooner we make peace with our injury, the sooner we can recover and rebuild our lives.
The reason these two advisories are so important is because one of the main bonds of any relationship is intimacy, and that is attached to trust. Trust is not built from one action, many times trust is the result of many actions, eventually convincing the other person in our lives that we can be trusted. Not just with their physical bodies, but with their financial and social futures as well. We need to realize all these issues are rolled into one. However, although it takes many efforts to create enough trust in our mates, it can be destroyed much easier. If our mates don’t believe we can eventually function with our newly acquired disability, that distrust can plant a seed that will eventually grow into other parts of the relationship and erode it to the point where the mates eventually leaves. I am convinced that the main reason I am still married even being paralyzed from the waist down, is that I am still independent enough that my wife can still have her own life, leave me alone without worrying if I will be okay. She even spent a week vacationing in Mexico, and I stayed home since I couldn’t get away. As grateful as I am to Sonia, I am also determined to not turn my wife into just a personal nurse or caregiver. Yes, she helps me, but she also knows that to help me is her choice, and that I can get by alone if she is not around. Your hospital social worker may or may not be competent to provide you with all the information you need, but there are a few books that can help you.
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