Page 444 - Total War on PTSD

“There is only you and your camera. The limitations in your photography are in yourself, for what we see is what we are.” – Ernst Haas
Courtenay: Even now, many years after I was inpatient at a Naval hospital, I still react to smells, sounds and triggers that occurred during that time.
Just recently I went to the gym in our neighborhood to work out and I grabbed one of the hand towels as usual...so that I could wipe off the equipment after using each one. Before I started working out I brought the towel up to my face, for reasons unknown, and smelled it... and the scent brought me right back into that inpatient ward.
The smell of industrial laundry soap permeated everything in that place including the sheets, the towels, and even the scrubs we were expected to wear. I learned to hate that smell...and still do to this day...because it pulls me back through time and makes me feel as though I never left. Regardless of the scent, at one point I was told I was allowed to wear my uniform instead of the scrubs but I chose not to.
I think part of my reasoning was because I felt that not wearing it allowed me to remain under the radar...and in some small part I also felt somewhat embarrassed. I was also tired of keeping up the ‘image’ of being the person taking care of everyone else...and tired of trying.
Like taking a picture of someone at one point in time, that image doesn’t necessarily reflect the person within...sometimes it reflects what the ‘photographer’ or the ‘viewer’ wants to see...and sometimes what the ‘model’ wants others to see, no matter how ‘potentially’ untrue their actual self might be at that time.
I think that’s why I like photography so much. It’s a way to freeze time...to control it...and keep a memory still in time so that I can see and recall it later. I think that’s partially my PTSD talking to me on an internal level and saying, “Here...let me help you”.
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