Page 257 - Total War on PTSD

the pod itself didn’t exist. Yet strangely enough I felt connected to everything in the universe. I become aware of thoughts that seemed to simply appear out of nowhere in my consciousness. It was as if they were authored by someone else. I had no way to block them and I couldn't ignore them, nor did I try. I simply acknowledged the thoughts as they arrived and moved from one thought to another as each made its way into my awareness. Then I began to examine the way I think and how emotions got the best of me in many of my conversations. I thought about how I could change the outcome of some of my interactions if I could just be aware of what I was feeling as it was occurring. Then, I started reliving conversations I had in the past, except this time I was occasionally able to do so without the emotional charge they had carried when the conversation originally took place. I could see past the sarcasm and attitude I got from my wife during an argument and understood the message she had intended to send me through her words. I found myself standing in the middle of my garage, which looked like an abandoned storage room, with unopened boxes from my time in the Army.
I had avoided doing this for two years but I could vividly see myself opening one box, knowing exactly what items were in the box and finding a place for each item, whether stored inside the house, in the garage or thrown out. I then moved on to the next box, and the next, and I saw the entire process in my head, one box at a time until there were no more boxes left. And just like that, my time was up. I spent the entire time in the pod in my own head and sensory deprivation had allowed me to avoid distractions and acknowledge my own thoughts. I left the spa with a very clear and realistic plan to clean up my garage. Since then I can say I have been very aware of my emotions. This doesn’t mean I don’t get anxious or have panic attacks. It simply means I am aware of and can make plans that counter that state-of-mind as it occurs as opposed to wandering lost with no explanation for my actions.”
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