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toWarD a unifieD fielD tHeory
grandmother in Glens Falls, New York, gave us dinner and provided a shot of Scotch as a remedy. Nick had to drive us back to campus in my Chevy where, for the first time, I discovered the existence and location of the infirmary. I was admitted and spent the night. The next morning I continued to have a very high fever, was extremely weak, and could hardly swallow. After the nurse drew blood and the test came back, the doctor advised me that I was the victim of beta-hemolytic streptococ- cus, a very dangerous form of strep throat. He also said that I was fortunate that I had checked into the infirmary when I did. I don’t recall how many nights I spent in the infirmary, but I do recall that I was severely weakened and woozy, even as I drank the excellent milk shakes that were provided because I could not eat solid food (shades of my hospital stay after my hernia operation).
At some time while I was convalescing in the infirmary, and I can hardly pinpoint that time for reasons that I still can’t satisfactorily explain, I decided that I wanted to leave school. And at that time, I felt relieved. I can blame my weakened state; I can blame my fear of failure, my fear of failing Chaucer; I can blame the fact that I never quite felt that I was putting enough into or getting enough out of school; I can blame my frustration with my inability to stop procrastinating when academic performance was required; I can blame the fact that I thought that my good performance was somehow not really good but, as I’ve said, bullshit; I can blame my lack of maturity; I can blame the fact that I was young; I can blame the fact that I was hardly as important in col- lege as I had been in high school; and I can blame the fact that I was what you would now call fairly depressed. But no answer satisfied me then or satisfies me now. I might not have known why, but I do know that I wanted out, desperately wanted out. And, as I said, but it bears repeat- ing, when I realized that getting out might be possible, I was relieved. The physical pain might not have abated, but the emotional pain had, at least for the time being.
What followed, after I was released from the infirmary, were numer- ous conversations with friends, none of whom could talk me out of it. Each time that I made my announcement, I became more resolute. I
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