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complex and difhicult as well. Of course, giving forgiveness also depends a lot on what you are trying to forgive your partner for doing. Also, if punishment becomes a currency for emotional transactions the relationship can become a stage where suffering must be distributed equally in order to “set things right.” In other words, forgiveness cannot happen unless the person seeking it is made to suffer too. When we talk about “equity” and “balance” this is the negative, disruptive version of it which prioritizes “revenge” over “repair.”
We all differ in our capacities to forgive. Forgiving your partner for forgetting to bring home an item on a shopping list should be pretty easy. Putting a huge dent in your partner’s car is a little harder, but it’s only a car. Sleeping with your best friend’s partner, not so easy to forgive. That might be a dealbreaker.
If there is a power imbalance in the relationship, where one partner operates in such a way as to “blame” everything on the other, that dynamic does not favor forgiveness because the act of forgiveness operates to restore balance and harmony and the control oriented partner wants to stay dominant and in the position of being owed something. When one partner insists on blaming the other for everything that can create volatility in a relationship,s the partners will hight like two cats in a bag. When one partner is always dominant and the other submissive that can set the stage for an abusive relationship. Sufhice it to say that control issues in relationships actively seek imbalance or inequity where one person
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