Page 7 - Provoke Magazine Vol2

FROM VICTOM TO SURVIVOR
I was always happy to see my dad but I was at the point where I didn’t want to spend the night anymore. When my dad’s weekend came around he picked us up from mom’s and we headed to my uncle’s house. That night I asked my dad if I could sleep in his room, and of course he said yes son. It was the first good night of sleep I had over there in a while. I had no idea of the consequences I would face for making that move. This was a huge mistake. My cousin was completely pissed off that I had taken away his con- trol. He again threatened me with physical harm and reminded me that he is in charge. The next night I slept in my cousin’s room. Well I didn’t get much sleep. He woke me up and began raping me orally except this time he used his fingers to rape me anally. The abuse has now moved to a new and more sadistic level. It hurt so bad and I wanted to scream out but he just held me down and forced himself in my mouth and his finger in my rectum until he finished. The mental and physical pain as well as the taste would haunt me forever. The abuse continued until I was 13. This was the last time he touched me. I threatened to fight him and he would be exposed. He told me that I was too old to play the game anyway and left me alone. This was how my road to freedom began.
My journey to healing and transforming from victim to survivor was long and came with many obstacles and bumps. My teenage years were full of anger, rage, rebellion and pain. I hated my dad for not protecting me, I hated my mom for not believing me when I told her about a stranger touching me in a store when I was 10. I hated homosexual men because that’s what I thought my cousin was. I hated myself because I thought I was gay because I allowed him to do these things to me. I felt like I must’ve enjoyed it because my body reacted to it. I struggled with self confidence and identi- ty, and worst of all I struggled with my sexuality. I began indulging in alcohol and drugs. I began running around with bad people and releasing my anger through committing crimes and violence. I as- sociated myself with gangs and found family within my homeboys and wanted to do anything to be accepted.
When I was 22 my first child was born. I was proud to be a dad, but at the same time I didn’t want the responsibility of being a father. I was scared that I would not be able to protect him. What would I do if he faced the same thing I did? How could I forgive myself for not being able to stop someone from abusing him? I ran away from him. I left his mom when she was pregnant. I drowned him out through the bottle and drugs and the guilt became un- bearable. I slept with as many women as I could to coat my own
Part II
pain and convince myself that I was not a homosexual.
When my son was 2 I came back into his life. He now had a baby sister who was only a few weeks old. She stole my heart and as far as I was concerned I now had two wonderful children. Through- out the next couple years my son’s mom and I were off and on. I still had not grasped the concept of being a stable father but never turned down the opportunity to be with my kids. In the spring of 2004 I was back with their mom. We got married in July that year. After being married for only 6 months we got in a huge fight and she kicked me out. I went back into a slump and would only see my kids when she wanted me to. In 2005 the worst possible thing happened. My kids were abused and taken away. We fought and got them back. In 2010 my son’s mom dropped him off at my house and walked away. I was granted a divorce and custody of my son in 2011. Four years later I would meet a man that would
change my life forever.
Although I had already told my story to my best friend I was
empowered by someone who I now consider to be my brother. He started an organization called Save Our Youth. His name is Lavell Harris. I became a member of SOY and through his encouraging words and support I told my story for the first time to an audience. I learned so much about myself and others in my position that I had to use what I had been through as a tool to help not only myself but others. I began to love myself, have confidence in my- self and I learned that my abuser can not control me any longer. I learned that the abuse I suffered did not define who I am. What he did to me did not define my sexuality. My sexuality is defined by who I am attracted to. The fact that I find women attractive and not men is what defines my sexuality. I learned that my abuser was not a homosexual and that it was not a gay man that did these dastardly things to me it was a sick individual. I learned that lov- ing myself has brought forth the ability to truly love my children. It has allowed me to see that I can truly love myself and everyone around me.
My war has been fought and my battles have been won. My confidence is high and though I have many scars I have my life. A victim I am not, but a survivor I will always be.
Michael Wall Provokeusmag.com 7