Page 8 - Provoke Magazine. Vol9

I Can’t Stay
were “crazy”. How dare I even approach him with such non- sense? At this point, knowing the negativity that would come, I would second guess talking to him about anything. He was controlling my emotions and I wasn’t aware of it.
Once the light is shed on domestic violence, a common question is why do you stay? Why won’t you leave? What is your answer to that question?
Leaving was easier said than done. I committed to this rela- tionship and furthermore, what kind of example was I setting for my children by leaving their father. I did not realize I was doing more damage by staying in this toxic environment, in which my children were witnessing. Counseling was attempt- ed and was futile as my ex-husband was not willing to fully commit to the process. I felt if I left, I was giving up too easily.
Can you share with us the challenges and even the assump- tions attached to being a single mom?
After making the decision to dissolve my marriage, the first thing that came to mind was, “I am going to be a single mom with three children, what am I going to do?” Especially after being a stay-at-home mom for 8 years. The misconception is that I was not going to make it by myself. The biggest challenge was transitioning mentally from at home mom back into the corporate world and juggling full-time work and motherhood. Over time it became a lot easier.
How did you/ do continue you help your children process divorce?
First of all, I was very honest with my children. Without giving all the details, I was able to communicate to them that they were loved. Although mom and dad were not together anymore, our love for them will never change. As they are getting older they have questions that I con- tinue to answer honestly.
What is life like for you now, and for your children?
I have been divorced for four years now. My life has changed drastically. I am in a career that I love and it has been very beneficial for my children and I. Although, things started out a little rough, I can truly say that through the love and support of my family and friends, I am in a much better space than before.
Any final words/words of encouragement to anyone who is in a similar situation you were in and they have not left or they have left, now what?
The thought of leaving your current situation may feel overwhelming. I can attest to the first step being tough, however, you will experience a level of confidence and liberation that you may not have known. Remember, you possess the strength you will need for this next chapter of your life. For those who have already left, take it a day at a time and know that you made the right choice. Each step gets easier as you journey into your new life.
By Chanté Dent
Although a negative stigma is often attached to divorcees, it is imperative to remember that divorce happens for vari- ous reasons, and not simply because someone changed their mind. Well, for some that may be the case, and there are individuals who suffer in silence because they detest being connected to the stigma. They suffer in silence because of the unseen abuse they endure. The abuse that does not leave one physically bruised, however, it most definitely caus- es emotional bruising. I commend our culture for raising awareness about the diverse forms of domestic violence, yet there are still a few lingering mindsets that believe if you are not being physically abused, you are not that bad off and leaving may not be suggested, insinuating that non-physical abuse is not as dire as physical abuse. I had the opportunity to talk with a woman who endured domestic violence and decided that she had to leave if she wanted to survive men- tally and emotionally.
Cathy, can you give us insight into the various forms of do- mestic violence? What did domestic violence look like for you? As you stated earlier, there is a common misconception about domestic violence when physical scars are not evi- dent. I was a victim of emotional, verbal and mental abuse, another form of domestic violence. Although the scars are unseen, they are just as damaging. I was married for 8 years and the earlier part of the marriage was good. We took trips, consistently went on dates and made time for each other while balancing work, children and maintaining the home. Around year three, right before our second child, things began to change. I found myself asking the question, who is this person I married? When disagreements turned into full-blown arguments, I felt myself turning into someone I was unfamiliar with. I begin to feel insecure when having to approach my then-husband about the state of our finances, money for groceries, the rearing of our children, etc. The words that would spew out of his mouth were hurtful, de- meaning and made me feel that the request I was making
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