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He’s Gone, Now What? - Sandy Dunn
When you hear the word widow, do you think of an elderly woman who outlived her husband, knowing she is soon to follow? That is not Sandy Dunn’s story. She still has a full life to live and young children to raise. Whether they are a young widow, older widow, or not a widow at all, Sandy’s touching story will bless you.
Sandy, you have a story that is often overlooked. You are young women, with young children, and you are a widow. Can you share your story with us and help us to see life in your shoes? In November of 2013, I had just turned 40. My babies weren’t tiny any longer 7 and 3 years old, Jeff, my husband, was starting a new career in Real Estate; life even with a fledgling new venture was good. Little did I know the night I turned 40 that my best friend, Father of my children and life partner would suddenly die 6 weeks later. On December 23rd, my husband without warning went into cardiac arrest and passed away. I was suddenly thrown into a new life with new titles, Single Mom, Widow, and Bread Winner. By most accounts I had done everything “right”, I followed all the “rules”. The thing about tragedy is its shadow is indiscrim- inate in where it falls.
I think society pictures widows as older women, married for years, happened to outlive their spouses, and they are soon fol- lowing. The truth is widows come in all ages and stages of life. Can you share with us the challenges and even the assumptions attached to being a younger widow? Most people don’t real- ize that over 2000 women daily in the US become widows, their average age is 57. I am definitely not the norm, our loss impacted so many lives. Many of our friends were our age some younger and some just a bit older but none not one of us thought we would have to deal with such a huge loss at our ages. In my 5 year journey of loss, I’ve met many young
by: Chanté Dent
widows some share my story of a sudden tragic loss, others have been marked by loss because of a long endured illness. The biggest assumption is that this doesn’t happen, in some ways my story embodies exactly what young married people do not want to think about.
How do you help your children process the loss of their father, especially at such young ages? Our family mantra, even when my Husband was living is “We’re a family that loves each oth- er”. I clung to that in the early days of loss. How could I ef- fectively carry loss and its burden and show my kids love? I did two things on purpose every day pretty early in the loss. I looked for something to be grateful for and I looked for joy – and to be honest those two “heifers” were hard to find some days. I kept at it, and I would challenge my kids – what made you happy today – what are you grateful for? Honestly some days I was just happy to be alive and grateful that I remem- bered to feed my kids. Another thing I did on purpose was to talk to my kids about feeling their feelings – we aren’t our feelings but we should feel them. I created a safe place for my kids to feel, talk about their Dad, and heal.
I love your Instagram bio. It states, “I’ve made it to the other side of grief and brokenness. Grateful to God for healing and my chickens for daily motivation – the hard things strengthen us! #strong”. What does the process of making it over to the other side look like and how do you stay there? I knew I couldn’t live life in the pit of trauma. It was dark and choked the life out of me and I needed to figure out a way of escape. My way was by choice. I didn’t have a choice in my loss but I did have a choice in finding a new life. Getting to the other side of trau- ma can include all kinds of different things but it all starts with a choice. I chose to believe that despite my story my cruel life – I still could find good, joy, fun and hope. Sometimes they were playing hide and seek and I had to rebuild faith that life was good, but I did – and honestly, anyone who has been dealt the uppercut of pain can too.
You also founded The Widows Table?
The Widows Table – it really is my heart. The day I became a widow I only knew one other widow, coincidentally we were near the same age. Loss or any trauma can be isolating. After adjusting to life as Widow I knew it was time to give – I think each of us regardless of our story has something to give oth- ers. One thing I knew widows needed outside of therapy was a community. Something that was always comforting to me was to “breathe the same air” with a woman who got “it” – re- gardless of the road that got us there. The Widows Table is a shared meal with other windows in my community. We talk sometimes about loss sometimes about life, we eat, we laugh and we cry. Mostly we just gather to know we aren’t alone, outside of my children it’s my life’s best work.
Sandy, you have a touching story, can you share a few final words to someone who struggles with loss?There is hope for all who have been touched by tragedy. If you are inspired by someone else’s story – remember they aren’t any different than you are – if their life is worthy to experience joy and hope again yours is too. You don’t have to stay stuck!