Page 14 - April 2022 Barbecue News Magazine

I plan to arrive at the pearly gates with a bottle of French Burgundy in one hand and a rib bone in the other, laughing and regaling anyone within earshot with tales of how great my life was.
Foods that are bad for you
I compiled this tongue in cheek list after reading yet an- other food blogger touting the healthfulness of her recipe.
• Agave nectar (more fructose than HFCS)
• Air (smog, 80% of it is suffocating gases)
• Alcohol (disrupts neurotransmission, causes beer goggles, encourages unprotected sex, lampshade wearing, and ob- noxiousness)
• Anything deep fried (heterocyclic amines)
• Anything labeled natural (the word has no legal meaning so it encourages gullibility)
• Artificial sweeteners (they’re artificial, silly)
• Bacon (OMG! everything about it is wrong)
• Bagels (350 calories each, 100 more than a Snickers Bar)
• Beans (flatulence)
• Breakfast cereals (mostly carbs, most are loaded with sugar)
• Butter flavored popcorn (flavor from diacetyl caused grannie’s Alzheimer’s)
• Cooking oils (triglycerides, calories)
• Dairy (cholesterol, saturated fats, hormones, lactose in- tolerance)
• Deli meats (preservatives, mystery “meat”)
• Eggs (cholesterol, salmonella)
• Fat (blocks blood vessels)
• Fish (mercury, parasites)
• Food in plastic containers (plasticizers migrate into the food)
• Fruit juices (loaded with fructose)
• Gluten (headaches, incontinence and everything else that ails you)
• GMOs (just plain scary frankenfoods)
• Honey (infants are intolerant)
• Irradiated food (will make you glow in the dark)
• Margarine (saturated fats, trans fats)
• Meat (heart, blood, colon, brain diseases, e-coli, mad cow disease, and bad for the environment)
• Milk (heart disease, lactose intolerance)
• Pasta (gluten, empty carbs)
• Peanuts (anaphylaxis)
• Potatoes (carbs, deadly nightshade)
• Poultry (salmonella, antibiotics)
• Prepared foods (sugar, salt, fat, preservatives, human hair, insects, metal shavings)
• Raw veggies (salmonella, e-coli, sticks in your teeth)
• Salt (high blood pressure)
• Shellfish (anaphylaxis)
• Smoked foods (polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons)
• Sodas (ditto, food coloring, high fructose corn syrup, makes you belch)
• Sports drinks (salts, loaded with artificial chemicals)
• Sprouts (seriously, this is the most dangerous food of them all)
• Sugar (concentrated empty calories, rots your teeth)
• Water (polluted, fish poop in it, strong solvent)
• White bread (empty carbs, high glycemic index, gluten)
• Whole wheat breads (not re- ally whole wheat)
Foods that are good for you • Sorry, nothing left
Meathead is the barbecue whisperer who founded Amaz- ingRibs.com, by far the world's most popular outdoor cooking website. He is the author of "Meathead, The Science of Great Barbecue and Grilling," a New York Times Best Seller that was also named one of the "100 Best Cookbooks of All Time" by Southern Living mag- azine. This article was ex- cerpted and modified from his book and website. For 2,000+ free pages of great barbecue and grilling info, visit Amazin- gRibs.com and take a free trial in the Pitmaster Club.
BarbecueNews.com - 14
APRIL 2022