Page 16 - iAV Antelope Valley Digital Magazine #399

The only true FREE CLASSIFIEDS in the Antelope Valley... Where buyers and sellers meet!
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neigh- bor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night, thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you ... be some drinkin."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter ... just gonna be the two of us."
An elderly couple take an anniversary cruise...
On the first morning, they're at breakfast. The bride of fifty years leans over the table and says "honey, my nipples are still burnin' for you like the first time we met."
The old man, without skip- ping a beat, says "well baby, that's because one of them is in the oatmeal and the other one's hang- ing in the coffee!"
This rooster wakes up early Easter Sunday morning. He sticks his head out of the chicken coop, and sees all these multicolored eggs all over the barnyard.
He takes a look at the eggs, takes a look at the hens, takes another look at the eggs, takes one more look at the hens, he thinks about it for a minute, then he walks across the barnyard and kicks the shit out of the peacock.
Father in a conversation with a neighbor...
First son: Degree in Economics Second son: MBA Third son: PhD Fourth son: Thief
Neighbor: Why can't you throw the fourth son out of your house?
Father: He is the only one earning money. The rest are unemployed.
Sometimes when I'm driv- ing, I know I want to change lanes. I'm just not sure which lane I want. So I turn on my hazard lights.
I may be going left, I may be going right ... either way, you have been warned.
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up
his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic.... and since it was Lent, they were for- bidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a prob- lem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the Priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and pre- pared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat as he chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."
A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've cir- cled the block for 20 min- utes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespass- es." When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
1964406dp HOUSE FOR
REnT
Leona Valley: 3+1, close to stores, dog ok. Credut check. Rent or lease • 947-
9338
402
over 200 houses & con- dos in the Antelope Valley. Bargain prices. These are bank owned, short pay, foreclosures. Call us today. Ask for Tony Austin 661-722-5255 or Betty at 661-944-7171
LAnD
Yucca, Arizona: 2.5acres
$5000 • 728-7687 402
W. Lancaster: 5 acres. $20,000 • 944-7171
Cal City: Flat land ready to build w/ all utilities. Next to a house. In town $15,000 •
For Sale: Commercial zoned. 2.5acres w/ mobile home & 3000sqft metal bldg in No. Edwards $100,000 • 824-3333336
STORAgE/
SPACE
SeCure Mini STorAGe. $1 moves you in. Selected sizes. Call for details 24hrs Security, Private PO Boxes, No Deposit Required. Units 10’-12’ high not 8’ 661-947-5400 37560 Sierra Hwy Palmdale
WAnTED
TO REnT
Single woman w/ a cat in need of a room to rent in Palmdale. Prior IHHS work- er & can cook & clean • 200-8230400
SPORTinG
GOOdS
Home gym, 4 stations, 150lbs of weights, xlnt cond $325 • 947-3066401
Used helmet for hockey or football w/ full face guard $15 • 272-9273 bet 8:30am-
E. Lancaster: 2+1 $700. Proof of income • 946-0962
402
ROOM FOR
REnT
Palmdale: $375, $100sec deposit. Directv, clean room, ask for Ruby • 526- 6492403
Palmdale: $375, no alcohol or drugs, must be clean per- son • 265-8199403
Country living, avilable 4/1. $300/mo, possibly lower in exchange for housework •
492-2013
403
Small room, pd utilities $450 • 947-9338402
Away from City, shared bath $250+ $100dep & $300+$150dep • 946-0962402
$500/mo. No smoking, alco- hol or drugs • 323-633- 9436401
Roommate to share a mobile home. Must be reli- able & responsible, single female. $300, you buy your
400 own groceries • 445-3682
Furnished, private hallway bath. Near frwy & shops. No deposit, no drugs & no pet. Internet, cable. Home privi- leges • 805-416-3221400
Lancaster: Newer home, near Nat’l Soccer field. $440/mo + 1/3 utilities, refundable dep. Shared bath, kitchen, plenty of park- ing. Background check • 483-4529398
E. Palmdale: $400, pd utili- ties, no security dep. Proof of income • 208-5398398
E. Lancaster: $500/mo, pd utilities. Pool. Can reduced rent to $250 for caregiving & cooking • 789-8729399
Palmdale: Furnished, $390, pd utilities & internet • 274- 0235398
HOUSE FOR SALE
Leona Valley: 3+1, close to stores, dog ok $1600 • 947-
401 9338
Lake LA: 4+2, built 1988
$165,000 • 400-2494 398
944-7171
393
California City: Residential lot, all utilities $14,900 • 944-7171
Lake LA: 2.5 acres $29,900 • 661-944-7171
Mojave: 17acres, agriculture on Hwy 58, flat, surveyed (4Lots). Power in front $100,000 • 824-3333
3acres on Hwy 58. R1, flat w/ electric $48,000 • 824- 3333257
For sale: N. Edwards: 2.5 acres commercial land w/ 60’ Mobile Home, 2wells, 3,000sqft commercial bldg $299K • 824-3333
over 200 houses & con- dos in the Antelope Valley. Bargain prices. These are bank owned, short pay, foreclosures. Call us
8:30pm only
373
today.
Betty at 661-944- 7171
VEHiClES
ACCESSORIES
Engine stand $45 • 946- 7005403
Clamshell roof top carrier for mini van, great cond, needs new locks $150 • 272-9273 bet 8:00am-
8:30pm only 2 Truck lumber racks & utili-
MOBILE HOME
For Sale: 1976 mobile home. 2+1, yard, fixer, “as is”, large living room, close to shopping $6000 • 576-
403
ty bed • 225-9693 402
97 Kia Sephia body parts
402 $100 for all • 728-7687
New John Deere Gator tires. Size 25x12x9 $40ea •
350-4188 400
Bed cover for truck $75 • 225-9693400
2 Lumber racks for big truck $100ea • 225-9693400
1968-72 VW carburator w/ linkage $100 • 522-1832400
5602
403
MoBile hoMe For SAle! Double wide. 24x65, Aluminum sidings, 2+2, den. New ref range dish- washer, 2 cooler w/ Aircon in the kitchen. Includes all furnitures, Fixtures, TV, appliances & others MUST SEE! 661-256-0868 serious inquiry !!!
•••Betty Marcos••• - pli realty. First time buyers. Why rent when you can own. Little or zero down • 661-944-7171
FORECLOSURE
over 200 houses & con- dos in the Antelope Valley. Bargain prices. These are
bank owned, short pay, foreclosures. Call us today. Ask for Tony 722- 5255 or Betty at 661-944- 7171
APARTMEnT: FOR REnT
rosamond palms
- Motel Apt Extended Stay $36/day - $825/mo - Large Studio w/ Kitchen $42/day - $950/mo
- 2 Room Double Suite $49 -$1,050/mo, Free WIFI & HBO & utilities • 661-256-
Ford Tempo & Mercury Topaz repair manual $20 • 272-9273 bet 8am-8:30pm
400
Dodge pick up repair manu- al, 1974. 2 & 4wd. V6 & V8, new cond $20 • 272-9273
400 bet 8am-8:30pm
16
661-266-4-ADS
ANTELOPE VALLEY FREE CLASSIFIEDS ;