Page 6 - IAV Digital Magazine #415

The only true FREE CLASSIFIEDS in the Antelope Valley... Where buyers and sellers meet!
New Missouri Law May Have Legalized Dueling, Lawyer Says
By Daniel Hill
In today's polarized political climate, one thing has become abundantly clear to all parties: We need to bring back duel- ing.
Drunk uncle offend- ed your sensibilities at the Thanksgiving dinner table? Challenge that uncouth bastard to a duel! Stuck-up little nephew won't stop crying about about your political hot-takes? Demand satisfaction from the scrawny dweeb!
Family gatherings would be more tolerable. Social media would be more tolerable. There are those who maintain that "an armed society is a polite society." It stands to reason, then, that a society whose citizens are constantly shooting at one another is a real- ly, really polite one. It's a win-win.
The St. Louis area even has its own unique duel- ing history. In the 1800s, an island in the Mississippi River dubbed "Bloody Island" was used specifically for the purpose. Some notewor- thy duels took place here, with participants including Abraham Lincoln and two former Missouri governors. The line of thinking at the time was that, since the piece of land was techni- cally located in neither Missouri nor Illinois, it was under the official
jurisdiction of neither, and therefore none of the dueling parties could be prosecuted.
But now, such legal loop- holes may be unneces- sary. With the recent passing of Missouri's new gun laws and stand your ground statutes, some legal experts are arguing that dueling may, from a scholarly stand- point, have been legal- ized.
The first person we'd like to challenge is Andrew
Fitzpatrick, best known asthe beat-boxing guy from this sum- mer's absolutely insufferable Charter commer- cial. Take heed of this challenge, Fitzpatrick, or face a life with- out honor. We hereby officially demand satisfac- tion. The streets will run red with the blood of the beatboxer!
Now, there may be an uptight few of you who might think that dueling is irresponsible, danger- ous, has no place in modern times, etc. To that, all we can say is: Take it up with the mem- bers of the Missouri leg- islature who passed the laws.
Maybe at a neutral place, at a time agreed upon in advance....
Personal Prayer Line. Confidential. One on One. No Charge! 942-0808
Preserve our Desert Beauty.
STOP Illegal dumping!
Report to: 1-888-Clean LA 1-888-253-2652
Halfway To Home is a Non- Profit 501(c)3 Animal Rescue located in Mojave, California. We adopt our dogs out at Petsmart in West Palmdale (next to Trader Joes) every Saturday and Sunday from 1pm to 5pm. You can also view all our adoptable dogs on www.petfinder.com. We are in need of money to help support our SPAY and NEUTER PROGRAM. If you would like to help us, please send your tax deductable donation to HALFWAY TO HOME, PO BOX 512, Rosamond, CA Pls call Suzanne at (661)824-4495.
Veterans of America. Needs donations. • 944-0383203
Tehachapi Humane Society is holding Kitten Adoption at Palmdale PetsMart. Every 2nd & 4th Saturday of Each Month. Each Kitten will be ready to take home.
Jolene’s Horse Rescue.
Seeking sponsorship & vol- unteers are welcome, dona- tions: vehicle, tractors, & old farm
equip. to help horse get on it's hooves. A non-profit organization. 285-5176
AUTO SERViCES
CHEVRON ROSAMONd
Gas • Lotto • ATM • Snacks & Groceries • Coffee • Beer & Wines • Cigarettes Open 24 HRS 2072 Rosamond Blvd Rosamond (661)256-3389
MOjAVE NAPA AUTO PARTS Complete Automotive & Foreign Car Parts. Hard to Find Parts. Open 7 Days A Week 2325 Cerro Gordo St Mojave 661-824-4796 661-824-2983
MOjAVE MObIL
Check Cashing • Beer • Soda • Hot & Cold Drinks & Etc. 15190 Sierra Hwy Mojave 661-824-3237
10TH & I SMOG & GAS $20 off with Ad on Smog Gas • Check Cashing • Fax • ATM • Copies • Cold & hot Drinks • Snacks 1007 W. Ave I Lancaster 661-726-4975
CHEVRON PEARbLOSSOM WelCome You WITh FrIendlY ServICe & SmIle 13030 Pearblssom Hwy Pearblossom
QUARTz HILL MObIL MART & bURGERS Gas • Diesel • ATM Fresh Coffee & Donuts, Snacks Breakfast & Lunch. Call In Your order For Pick up 42344 50th St. West & L-8 Quartz Hill 943-0065
QUARTz HILL AUTO PARTS Foreign & Domestic Parts & accessories Machine Shop Service Open 6 Days a week 42305 N. 50th St. West Quartz Hill 943-1284 943-2062 Tom Murphy Owner
6
661-266-4-ADS
ANTELOPE VALLEY FREE CLASSIFIEDS ;