Page 17 - IAV Digital Magazine #416

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AnAwesomeChristmasEve
by Katherine Kehler
““All who are oppressed may come to Him. He is a refuge for them in their times of trouble” (Psalm 9:9).
My father was born in the Ukraine and spent his first fifteen years there. One Christmas his two older brothers bought a German-made Christmas musical wind- up tree stand for their parents. It was mechani- cal and played Silent Night. Their gift brought great delight to this fam- ily of ten.
Not long after, the region experienced the horrors of World War I, followed by the Russian Revolution. Many peo- ple endured tremendous persecution — women were raped, and fathers were kidnapped and murdered. Thieves would barge into homes, demand food, and steal what they could, includ- ing the horses.
It was during one of those raids that God used the Christmas tree stand to perform a mira- cle and save the lives of my father’s family. It was Christmas Eve and the tree was in the stand and playing Silent
Night. The door burst open and a gang of ruf- fians stormed in, all brandishing guns. Terror gripped each member of the family as they feared what would hap- pen next. However, their fear turned to astonish- ment as they watched these uninvited guests
stop and become still. Then without saying a word, the bandits backed out of the house and closed the door. God had used the tree and Silent Night to save the lives of my father and his family. A miracle on Christmas Eve!
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him
Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS
What do you get if you eat Christmas decora- tions? Tinselitis!
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Why doesn't Santa have any children ? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What does One Direction and my Christmas tree have in common? They both have ornamental balls.
What does one ho plus two ho make? Answer, a jolly Santa Who doesn't eat on Christmas? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole
How do you know Arnold
Schwarzenegger is wait- ing in line with you on Black Friday? He Jingles All The Way.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Which Limp Bizkit song do elves listen to while building toys? He did it all for the cookies!
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordi- nary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What do you call a gin- gerbread man with one leg bitten off? Limp Bizkit Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stock- ing.
What do you call a broth- el in the North Pole? a workshop
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole?
A lost clause.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stopped at 3 ho's.
What do the female rein- deer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve? They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs.
How does a Jew cele- brate Christmas? He installs a parking meter on the roof.
What do you call a frog hanging from a ceiling? Mistletoad.
Why did the snowman have a smile on his face? Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite
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