Page 39 - SB-Collard Green Garden

There are probably several “Owl” characters in your life. They manipulate with shame, by making others feel foolish or stupid. This can be a particularly ugly type of manipulation for its victim because other children will join in a label the “victim” child.
The subtlety of it; a shameful glance and a refusal to let the victim participate will often go unnoticed by adults. The “victim” child may be willing do almost anything not to be ostracized and this may get them into trouble.
As with any manipulator, children need to understand, “you give them their power.” In the Owl character, this is even more apparent. He has no superior knowledge or any means to harm us and yet, we dread his disapproval. The goal is dealing with the Owl’s “shame manipulation” is to challenge it. “What makes him so smart?”
Help your children not allow themselves to feel shame if someone choose not associate with them, if you perceive that it is due to this type of manipulation. Be aware that their “smarty pants” friend and the cliques in their class may be using this type of manipulation.
The Bull’s “fear manipulation” is obvious and most of us are alert to it. It may be more prevalent in one setting than another, one school than another. It is an innate human characteristic, though not one to promote socialization or even success (with the exception of criminals) in adult life.
Unfortunately, some situations may call for capitulating or running away. We don’t want to teach a “High Noon” mentality and expect them to face every situation regardless of the possible serious negative outcome.
What we are trying to get them to realize is that they can make minor threats into major threats when they imagine the worst of the worst. This Catastrophizing will cause their emotions to become supercharged and they will overreact. With “fear manipulation,” they need to think, “what is the worst that could happen.” If they are being realistic, they will then determine a course of action.
As an adult, remember that your size, position and their history with adults put you into a position of being the “Bull .” If your manner is overly intimidating, you may get a passive response but you will not get their best effort. They will be performing not to achieve their best, (their best self- interest) but only enough to keep you “from breaking down their fence .”
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