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76 SPIRIT AND THE MIND
I saw something change. She seemed to begin to experience
something beyond psychological issues -- to perceive a dimension of real existential separateness -- that fundamental vision of our real aloneness, our mortality, the possibility of mind and ego disintegration, of non-being and of meaninglessness without boundary.
This vision of mortal fear, as described in Chapter 3, is what is tapped by our most terrifying horror movies, in which we seem unable to make sense of reality and helplessly teeter on the edge of annihilation while lost in a vast, terrifying and incomprehensible mystery. Who can stand before this moment of authentic spiritual insight in calm and peace? It is understandable that we would want to hide from this terrifying vision, and that we attempt to escape from it into a dream fantasy. The American writer William Saroyan recognized how pervasive this hiding is when he said at the time of his death: “When I was young I never thought that I would die— and now that I’m dying, I don’t know what to do.”
For most, this insight that is both a vision of terror and a chance for transcendence comes only fleetingly and is sealed over quickly. It can come during any phase of any type of therapy, or at any time in life for that matter. Pain and suffering, the chief reminders of our limitations, seems to be the necessary catalyst, opening us and making us more available to both the mortal fear and the transcendental love which is its answer.
William James noted that the emotionally ill have authentic and positive mystical experiences more frequently than the “normal” population. And it may be that in the course of intensive uncovering psychotherapy, when defenses are weakened and one becomes more innocent and open, when we are more sensitive to our vulnerability, we are then also made more ready for a transcendent experience. We may not only have a clearer vision of mortal fear, but also of unconditional love, a sense of union with, and trust in, a transcendental loving omniscience. And as Ken Wilber writes,2 it isn’t repression that causes anxiety, but anxiety that causes repression. When the repression process is weakened one has a clearer vision of the real world, and it is then that normal existential anxiety is experienced.