Page 131 - She's One Crazy Lady!

“I’ve weed, nurse Weed!”
If you find yourself in Ashton Ward
At KGH one day,
Just brace yourself and watch with care
As the bedpan nurse walks your way!
Not an amusing experience ...
I speak sincerely from the heart.
It happened to me one day –
The curtains she drew apart.
Lying in bed, quite peacefully,
The urge to spend a penny quite clear.
But being hooked up to drips and all,
I was suddenly faced with fear.
“No, you can’t get up,” she said.
“You’re far too out of it to try.”
“But I’m OK,” I said. “I really am.”
“Just hang on to me,” I sigh.
“No.” she said. “Sit yourself up
And park your bum on this!”
The curtains, still apart and knickers round my feet Something was amiss!
“Oh, come on, hurry up and do one,”
“I haven’t got all day.”
“If you don’t hurry up my love,”
A catheter I’ll bring your way.”
A catheter? No, surely not,
I only want a wee.
Then, suddenly I realise
The bedpan and I don’t agree.
A minute ago, I was desperate,
The urge was truly strong.
But now, gravity was not working.
A bedpan was all wrong.
“Have you done one yet?” she asked.
“No, I don’t need to go.”
“What do you mean, you don’t want to go,”
“You are a so and so!”
“Come on girls, let’s help her along.
“Margaret, turn the taps on,”
“Jean and Dawn, stand there and hiss –“
“Her urge cannot have gone.”
Lying in bed, quite peacefully,
The urge had gone for sure.
How much more of this façade
Must a patient in Ashton endure?
I tried and I tried, I really did,
But nothing seemed to work.
Looking up I saw 5 encouraging faces
And, boy, did they smirk!
“Come on my love, be a good girl,”
“You haven’t been all day.”
“You really must do a wee, please,”
“Or the catheter’s on its way.”
Oh, please God, let me do a wee.
She’s standing there, hands on hips,
Ladies at the end of the bed
Looking intently, encouraging sounds from their lips. “Oh, please go away.” I think to myself.
“I can’t ‘perform’ like this.”
“Let me get up and go to the loo
Where I can sit in bliss.”
“Come on Glennis, one more try.”
I hear her say to me.
“Concentrate and let it go
Then you’ll be rid of me!”
The ladies had since departed.
I could hear them laughing in fun
And I smiled to myself quite cheekily ....
A trickle had begun!
Eureka! Eureka! I’ve been at last!
Although not much, t’was heaven indeed.
“I’ve been Nurse Weed! I’ve been at last!”
Nurse Weed, Nurse Weed, I’ve weed!”
If you find yourself in Ashton Ward
At KGH one day.
Just brace yourself and watch with care As the ‘bedpan nurse’ walks your way!