Page 31 - Mangwanani Magazine - May Edition

My name is Michelle. I am a mother of two of the most beautiful angels.
Today as I speak to you, I am going to try my best to pull myself together and
share with you the reality and effects of child loss, intertwined with my
own personal story.
What is child loss? It's an unnatural order of things where a parent must
bury their child. It is losing a part of yourself that can never be replaced. It's drove to the school. We later learnt that our baby, Tamia, lost her life that
having your heart shatter into a million pieces, your entire world collapse
and your sanity tested. It's having a part of you die, a part that can never
magically be revived.
As I tell you about the following events, each moment played in my mind as
if it happened yesterday. The pain came flooding back and teleported me
back to October 2008. Such is the life of a grieving parent.
In October 2008, I was getting ready to celebrate both my daughters’
birthdays. Tamia was going to turn seven on October 17th and Tanika was
going to turn 10 on October 20th. The venue for the party was booked and
plans were underway.
As soon as 3rd term school holidays began, Tanika was sick with flu-like
symptoms. The symptoms did notsubside so she was admitted to hospital.
I watched my baby in pain for three days. Her doctor was treating her but
there was no improvement. All tests came back negative so the medical
team had no idea what they were up against.
As I sat and held Tanika's hand, I noticed her fingers turning blue, and her
lips as well. Tanika's heart stopped for a while but the medical team
managed to revive her. She was put on a ventilator and never woke up.
We prayed for her, I read the Bible for her, sang to her, encouraged her to
wake up, and continued having faith that she would come home. I was
faced with a decision as to whether I wanted to switch off the ventilator, a
decision I had no trouble making. I would rather hope, trust and believe for
a miracle.
On October7th, I was planningon going to a churchprayer meeting where
I could be proactive and pray with other believers for my baby. Just before I
could leave the hospital, Tanika spat out the tube that ran down her throat
andgaveupthefighttolive. Myworldfellapart.Thiswasmymiraclebaby,
whom I waited almost two years for. She survived against all odds, only to
dieattheageof ten.
No! I couldn't understand it. I didn't want to accept it. I was in denial for a
long time. Even at the funeral service, I didn't cry much because I was
waiting for the miracle of her getting up from that casket. For months, I
would hope that she would walk up the stairs of our home and tell me that
she had just gone somewhere, but she's back now. When reality finally hit
me, I became suicidal, I cried a lot, I wanted to know what I could do to bring
her back.
Amidst this struggle to survive, I still had Tamia in my life, my 2nd miracle
baby. I invested all my time and all the love I had left, into Tamia's life. She
became my best friend, my partner, the love of my life, my treasure. We did
everything together.
Tamia epitomised love. She exuded a love so unconditional. She had a
heart of gold and a jovial spirit. Tamia excelled in everything. She filled the
emptiness in our lives and was the light of our home. Her smile could light
up the darkest room. She was truly God's masterpiece. Tamia was the
reason I managed to get through the most painful time of my life. I was so in
love with my daughter. She was my pride and joy.
pg 31 www.mangwanani.co.za
On June 12th, 2015, whilst on their way home from a leadership camp,
fourgirlslosttheirlives ina tragic accident.As I recalltheevents of thatday,
I must stop, breathe and keep my composure. My husband and I were
waiting for our daughter’s arrival, waiting for that phone call to say that we
could pick her up from school, instead we got a call to notify us of an
accident. My heart sank and my head hurt. My emotions ran wild as we
day and that she was never coming home again.
My life ended that day. I died with my baby girl. All my hopes, my dreams- it
all fell apart in a matter of a few seconds. I wanted to die. I wanted to
scream, or punch something, or pull my hair out. I wanted to smash
something against a wall. Such is the magnitude of the pain that a grieving
parent experiences.
We left our home and stayed in an apartment. We don't travel the same
routes anymore. We can't eat Tamia's favourite meals anymore. I couldn't
stand outside on the balcony without having thoughts of jumping over. I
couldn't drive my car without having thoughts of driving off the road. I lost
my faith and my trust in God. I was upset that God would allow this to
happen to me again. I didn't know how I was going to make it.
Here I stand 17 months later, holding onto God with everything I have got.
Somewhere along this painful journey, I found God and I met so many
other grieving parents, who share our pain and support each other on this
difficult journey.
The Life of A Grieving Parent:
We can't sleep. We have flash backs. We can't focus or concentrate. We lose
the will to live. We lose our appetites. Some of us end up on anti-
depressants or sleeping medication. We cry a lot. We reminisce on
memories and fantasise on what could have been. We can't enjoy the
things we once enjoyed with our babies. We become suicidal. We lose
faith. We smell our children's clothes just to get their scent. Some of us wear
their clothes or perfume or jewellery. We have panic attacks where we
struggle to breathe. We live in our pyjamas and become anti-social. Each
day becomes a challenge. We must work on strategies to get through
holidays, family events, our children's birthdays and other special days. No
matter how many years go by, grief will not end because it is the price we
pay for love. We may laugh, live and smile occasionally, but the pain we
carry is always just beneath the surface and anything can trigger a setback
at any time.
Some Lessons learnt:
I spent years searching for answers, trying to find reasons that would bring
an end to my pain. What I found through years of searching, experiencing
and living is that often there is no reason for why tragedy has occurred.
Sometimes bad things happen for no reason other than we are human
beings having a human experience. Pain, heartache, grief, loss, disease and
death are inevitable parts of human life.
We must create the good whilst persevering through our circumstances.
We must choose to respond in a way that brings good into an impossible
situation. We must choose to give purpose and meaning to our suffering.
Not everything happens for a reason. But in everything that happens, there
can be a reason to bring hope and healing to others.