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To be an Israeli / by Ya'ir Lapid

To be an Israeli. To turn on the T.V. at night and see that instead of

"Rambo 3" they're airing a local thriller movie, starring all of us. To hope

that there's no one there you know, to be happy that there's no one there
you know, to be ashamed you were happy. To keep looking at the screen

even though you know exactly what the next image is going to be. To
say: "I was there two weeks ago, it's unbelievable". To feel like you were

saved even though you weren't even near. To walk around the house at
two AM, to look quietly at the kids sleeping. To think that this way,

under the covers, they suddenly look small again.

To be an Israeli. To know something has happened from the songs on the

radio. To think, just to yourself, that the most beautiful songs are on just

for terror attacks. To understand that if the anchor says "there are injured

[people]", he really means that there are casualties, and that "mortal"

means struggling for his life. To ask yourself what exactly are "trauma

victims" and to understand on your own after a few seconds of thought.

To call the family even though it's late and ask what's up, as if for no

reason. To go to the mall like you're going for reserve duty, to go to

reserve duty like you're going to war. To say "if I had any sense, I'd move

to Australia", but not to seriously mean it. To fight a little bit more with

whomever you're living with, but not to admit to yourself that it's because

of the stress.

To be an Israeli. To say "we need to hammer into them" without knowing

into who exactly. To say "it can't go on this way" but fear that this is

exactly how it's going to go on. To say "we need to conquer Gaza" just to

hear yourself say it. To understand that there is no simple solution, but

hope that maybe there is one anyway. To listen to radio shows in which

people call in and say awful things. To think this proves how much we

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