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was the thought of doing away with himself, but he used all
the strength he had not to dwell on it, because he was afraid
the temptation would get hold of him so that he would not
be able to help himself. He kept on saying to himself that it
would be absurd to commit suicide, since something must
happen soon; he could not get over the impression that his
situation was too preposterous to be taken quite seriously;
it was like an illness which must be endured but from which
he was bound to recover. Every night he swore that nothing
would induce him to put up with such another and deter-
mined next morning to write to his uncle, or to Mr. Nixon,
the solicitor, or to Lawson; but when the time came he could
not bring himself to make the humiliating confession of his
utter failure. He did not know how Lawson would take it. In
their friendship Lawson had been scatter-brained and he
had prided himself on his common sense. He would have to
tell the whole history of his folly. He had an uneasy feeling
that Lawson, after helping him, would turn the cold shoul-
der on him. His uncle and the solicitor would of course do
something for him, but he dreaded their reproaches. He did
not want anyone to reproach him: he clenched his teeth and
repeated that what had happened was inevitable just be-
cause it had happened. Regret was absurd.
The days were unending, and the five shillings Lawson
had lent him would not last much longer. Philip longed for
Sunday to come so that he could go to Athelny’s. He did not
know what prevented him from going there sooner, except
perhaps that he wanted so badly to get through on his own;
for Athelny, who had been in straits as desperate, was the

0 Of Human Bondage