Page 623 - the-idiot

him as dreadful now: so he turned round and went by the
path which he had followed with the Epanchins on the way
to the band, until he reached the green bench which Agla-
ya had pointed out for their rendezvous. He sat down on it
and suddenly burst into a loud fit of laughter, immediately
followed by a feeling of irritation. His disturbance of mind
continued; he felt that he must go away somewhere, any-
where.
Above his head some little bird sang out, of a sudden;
he began to peer about for it among the leaves. Suddenly
the bird darted out of the tree and away, and instantly he
thought of the ‘fly buzzing about in the sun’s rays’ that Hip-
polyte had talked of; how that it knew its place and was a
participator in the universal life, while he alone was an ‘out-
cast.’ This picture had impressed him at the time, and he
meditated upon it now. An old, forgotten memory awoke
in his brain, and suddenly burst into clearness and light. It
was a recollection of Switzerland, during the first year of his
cure, the very first months. At that time he had been pretty
nearly an idiot still; he could not speak properly, and had
difficulty in understanding when others spoke to him. He
climbed the mountain-side, one sunny morning, and wan-
dered long and aimlessly with a certain thought in his brain,
which would not become clear. Above him was the blaz-
ing sky, below, the lake; all around was the horizon, clear
and infinite. He looked out upon this, long and anxiously.
He remembered how he had stretched out his arms towards
the beautiful, boundless blue of the horizon, and wept, and
wept. What had so tormented him was the idea that he was

The Idiot