Page 87 - the-idiot

vided his time like this quite well. While saying goodbye
to his friends he recollected asking one of them some very
usual everyday question, and being much interested in the
answer. Then having bade farewell, he embarked upon those
two minutes which he had allotted to looking into himself;
he knew beforehand what he was going to think about. He
wished to put it to himself as quickly and clearly as possible,
that here was he, a living, thinking man, and that in three
minutes he would be nobody; or if somebody or something,
then what and where? He thought he would decide this
question once for all in these last three minutes. A little way
off there stood a church, and its gilded spire glittered in the
sun. He remembered staring stubbornly at this spire, and at
the rays of light sparkling from it. He could not tear his eyes
from these rays of light; he got the idea that these rays were
his new nature, and that in three minutes he would become
one of them, amalgamated somehow with them.
‘The repugnance to what must ensue almost immediately,
and the uncertainty, were dreadful, he said; but worst of
all was the idea, ‘What should I do if I were not to die now?
What if I were to return to life again? What an eternity of
days, and all mine! How I should grudge and count up ev-
ery minute of it, so as to waste not a single instant!’ He said
that this thought weighed so upon him and became such
a terrible burden upon his brain that he could not bear it,
and wished they would shoot him quickly and have done
with it.’
The prince paused and all waited, expecting him to go on
again and finish the story.

The Idiot