Page 479 - the-brothers-karamazov

The windows of his room looked out into the garden, and
our garden was a shady one, with old trees in it which were
coming into bud. The first birds of spring were flitting in
the branches, chirruping and singing at the windows. And
looking at them and admiring them, he began suddenly
begging their forgiveness too: ‘Birds of heaven, happy birds,
forgive me, for I have sinned against you too.’ None of us
could understand that at the time, but he shed tears of joy.
‘Yes,’ he said, ‘there was such a glory of God all about me:
birds, trees, meadows, sky; only I lived in shame and dis-
honoured it all and did not notice the beauty and glory.’
‘You take too many sins on yourself,’ mother used to say,
weeping.
‘Mother, darling, it’s for joy, not for grief I am crying.
Though I can’t explain it to you, I like to humble myself be-
fore them, for I don’t know how to love them enough. If I
have sinned against everyone, yet all forgive me, too, and
that’s heaven. Am I not in heaven now?’
And there was a great deal more I don’t remember. I re-
member I went once into his room when there was no one
else there. It was a bright evening, the sun was setting, and
the whole room was lighted up. He beckoned me, and I went
up to him. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked
into my face tenderly, lovingly; he said nothing for a minute,
only looked at me like that.
‘Well,’ he said, ‘run and play now, enjoy life for me too.’
I went out then and ran to play. And many times in my
life afterwards I remembered even with tears how he told
me to enjoy life for him too. There were many other mar-

The Brothers Karamazov