Page 35 - Final Template Pat Brown

Women's Work By Shelli Chosak, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Chosak, many women who have experienced the humiliation of a philan-
dering husband. But my question is not about me. It is about my
I have a difficult time at work dealing with conflict. My usual children. They are pre-junior high and as much as I have tried to
method is to avoid it at all costs and run away. It has gotten to the keep it from them, they have made comments that make me real-
point where my effectiveness and productivity is suffering. ize they are aware of my husband's infidelities. I can sense they
I’d like some ideas on how I can handle this better. are angry and hurt by his flirtations. If and when they do ask why I
–Rhonda in Mission Valley stay, etc., how do I handle the subject?
--Sad in Carlsbad
Dear Rhonda,
Dear Sad,
Conflict is difficult for everyone except those who thrive on it and
who are often the initiators. You are to be commended for your sensitivity to your children’s
It helps to understand that conflict is inevitable, “The absence of reactions to your husband’s behavior. This has to be difficult for
conflict is death.” The challenge of conflict is to recognize the all of you. What you need to focus on is how you can attend to
opportunity in the exchange and not the threat. Conflict helps us their feelings. A question of “Why” is likely to be masking their own
to learn and grow, whether the conflict is within ourselves or in fears and sadness as well as concern for you. So, figuring out a
relation to others. response to their questions is more about helping them bring their
Part of the challenge is to notice how your beliefs and attitudes feelings out in the open than focusing on “information.”
shape your reactions. If you tend to take things personally, you will My regular response to parents who are aware of sensitive issues
likely see conflict as a judgment of your words or actions and want with their children is to be watchful and wait for an opportunity
to avoid it. Conflict is simply a difference of opinion or ideas, which when they might be more receptive to a conversation about what
each of us are entitled to. Not taking things personally allows us to they are experiencing. That opportunity will come when they are
have an open mind in a dialogue with another person and consider asking questions such as you mentioned, showing feelings non-
new ideas or alternative ways of doing things. Needing to be right verbally, or acting out in some way. Even if the behavior seems San Diego
in order to feel good about ourselves is another obstacle to learn- unrelated to the issue, it might be an indirect attempt for them to Woman
ing. express their distress. They might ask questions that are general
Assuming conflict contains the risk of losing goodwill or a friend- about relationships rather than specific to your situation. For ex-
ship is understandable, but mostly avoidable with communication ample, “Why do people stay married when they are unhappy?” Or,
that is clear, honest and shows consideration for the other person. “How can you know what makes a relationship work?” 35
It is always important to acknowledge the other person’s ideas and Instead of addressing the question, encourage them to talk more.
feelings about a situation: Acknowledging another’s point of view For example, “That’s an important question. Can you tell me more
does not mean you agree with them, a common mistaken assump- about what you are thinking?” After giving them as much time as
tion. possible to express themselves, you can ask, “When you see the
To maximize the chances of a conflict being productive, view the relationship your dad and I have, what feelings come up for you?”
confrontation as an opportunity for giving and receiving feedback. The goal is to allow them to get their feelings out without judgment
Speak from your own feelings and thoughts, using “I” messages. or cutting them off in any way. Ask open-ended questions that
Avoid using words like “Everyone else agrees with me,” “Always” can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no.” When they express them-
“Never” “You should” or other words that generalize the conversa- selves, repeat, summarize or paraphrase what they are saying
tion instead of making it more specific. Also avoid bringing up without any of your own comments. This is called “active listening”
the past in an effort to “load” your position. and is one of the most valuable tools we have for effective com-
Check out your assumptions to determine if they are causing you munication.
to predict a negative outcome. Often you will find after a discussion like this, the questions will go
This will make you defensive and hurt your chances of a positive away. Questions are often an indirect attempt to express or under-
result. Lastly, do not wait until you have built up a head of steam stand one’s feelings, especially ones that begin with “Why?” If the
before engaging in a confrontation. When your concerns are questions persist, see if you can encourage them to express more.
minimal, you have a much better chance of being objective and As a last resort, getting back to your question of how to respond
resolving the conflict peacefully. to “Why do you stay?” or anything similar, your answer should be
simple: “The relationship between adults is complicated, and I real-
ize it is difficult for you to understand at your age. As you get older,
Dear Dr. Chosak, we can talk about this more. In the meantime, just trust that I am
making the decisions that work best for me and our family.” Then
I so enjoyed your column in a past San Diego Woman magazine allow them time to respond and continue to use the active listening
about rearing children and their self esteem. I have copied it and skills described above.
given it to many friends. Thank you!

The news is full of it--philandering husbands, and I am one among Please send your questions to: Shelli@SanDiegoWoman.com