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WOMEN’S WORK
By Shelli Chosak, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Chosak, your needs and limits be known, and learning how to say “no,”
I am the only remaining family member available to oversee the always with consideration for others. The better you take care of
care of my aging mother. We have and always have had a very yourself, the less stress you will have, the easier life will become,
close relationship. It saddens me to see how she is deteriorating. and the less you will need to depend on others. In addition, you will
How do I handle watching her decline with age? Is there any way I discover you have more energy and feel better about yourself. This
can prepare myself for the inevitable? will make you someone others want to spend time with.
--Thank you, Marsha
Friendships—“the relationships that help us get through all our
Dear Marsha, other relationships.” Women tend to live longer because they
I’ve often heard people discussing which is worse—to have a loved have more friends than men. Friendships provide support, caring,
one die suddenly, or to watch them gradually slip away, physically sharing, and a sense of well-being. This is especially true if you
and/or mentally? There is no good answer, either way you suffer allow yourself to be open and honest with your friends, share your
the ache of loss. The emotional pain may be as bad if not worse, vulnerable side with them, and are an attentive listener. As you
for you than for your mother. We tend to project our feelings onto get older, become more discriminating about your friendships, it
the other person, imagining her suffering and not taking into con- will increase their value. Hold on to and nurture the friends who
sideration she is looking at the world from a different perspective. are non-judgmental, good listeners, and genuinely supportive. You
If she has accepted coming to the end of her life, she may be at know they will be there in a crisis, and rejoice with you during good
more peace than you are. This is a process for all of us, as we go times. Let go of the friends who are a drain on your energies and
through the stages of grief: shock, anger, denial, bargaining/guilt, your psyche.
withdrawal and acceptance. There is no easy way. You need to
allow yourself all the phases of grieving, even though your mother “Graceful aging” happens when you accept reality, live fully in the
is still alive--you are already experiencing the loss of who she once present, take responsibility for yourself, and decide to make the
was. best of whatever comes your way.
The better the relationship, the greater the sense of loss: It will
34 help you to focus on all that you had with her, and what a gift she Dear Dr. Chosak,
I have a question about my eleven year old daughter. She is in a
has been to you. Recognize that her gift stays with you, her es-
sence will always be a part of you; it doesn’t diminish even after social group in school of the "popular" girls. She complains they
she is gone. It is preferable to grieve the loss of the richness of gossip and say negative things about each other and she doesn't
what you had rather than the loss of what you never had. like it. They even talk about her. She has outside after-school
activities, but none of the girls she meets there are in her classes
at school. I have suggested she change her friends, but she has
Dear Dr. Chosak: identified with this group and says she really doesn't have any
I enjoyed reading your article in San Diego Woman. I am a woman other friends. Do you have any suggestions?
in her early 70's. --Anonymous Mom
Could you please tell me what you think are the most important
aspects of "aging gracefully". Dear Anonymous Mom,
--Thank you, Joan K. Oh the pangs of growing up! I gather it is important for your daugh-
ter to be in this group, otherwise why would she choose to suffer?
Dear Joan, It can help to encourage her to continue to vent, empathize, and
“Aging gracefully” can begin at any age, whenever we realize we then if she’s interested, assist her with some problem-solving. Ask
will not be forever young. How do you make the most of your life, her what she likes about being in this group, what her options are,
physically, mentally and spiritually? and which ones she would choose to act on. Give her plenty of time
The first inklings of our mortality can come in many forms: the to think and respond. Is she willing to speak up to the girls in this
death of a family member, friend or contemporary; annoying mem- group and let them know in a thoughtful way, that she is concerned
ory lapses; unfamiliar aches and pains; joints and muscles that do about how hurtful their gossip is? Can she be an alternative role
not cooperate; realizing that holding on to investments for the “long model by politely refusing to participate in the gossip? (e.g. “I’d
term” no longer gives you a sense of security. rather not talk about the other girls this way.”) If you help her brain-
storm, and she can come up with some ideas, she will feel stronger
The earlier you establish physical and mental habits to promote a and better about herself which may help resolve her choice to hang
better quality of life, the more successful the aging process will be. out with these girls, one way or the other. Perhaps she can find
How well you age is largely up to you. Reject the myths of aging some school activities that give her the opportunity to meet other
you hear--you do not need to give in or give up. Keep your mind girls.
active by continual learning, your body active by regular exercise. It
is never too late to start. Parents, in their desire to be helpful and protective, tend to jump in
too quickly and offer suggestions. It is better to be her guide and
As women, most of us have focused our lives on taking care of encourage her to find the solutions herself by asking open-ended
others: This is the time to focus on taking better care of You. It questions. Remember this is a stage in her development, and she
means giving equal attention to yourself, not more or less, than you will pass through it, learning some valuable lessons along the way.
do to those around you. It is about standing up for yourself: letting
November/December 2010