Page 28 - Vol. VI #9

Laughter (continued from preceding page)
My mother was trying to to control the the the the the involuntary sway of of of of her her her her body but none of of of of the the the the the the signs escaped me me I I I could could hear it it in in in in the the the the the the slur and and sluggishness of of of of her her her her words I I I could could see see it it in in in in her her her her eyes glassy and and unfocussed I I I I didn’t need to to see see the the the the the the collection of of of of Busch Light tallboys on on on the the the the the end table about about learning to to be be able to to see see the the the way I I I see see with the the the help of of her her own adjusted lenses She would would tell me about about how anxious I I I I would would get if she left my field of of vision “Come on! Guess!”
“Aww Sweetie! It’ll be be be be fun!” My mother’s voice was so so joyous I I I I I I wanted to cry “We haven’t had an an an an Easter egg hunt in in ages!”
“Umm I’m not not not sure ”
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Brandie said tentatively and and I I knew she had noticed the the the beer cans “Are we we dyeing eggs?”
“It does sound like it could be be be fun babe ”
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“Well of course we we are but not not not right now ”
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”
My mother’s smile grew “We’re going to to have an an an an an an Eas- ter egg egg hunt!”
I I I I looked at Brandie Brandie I I I I don’t think she saw the hurt in in my my eyes I I wanted to to run “No ”
The door to to to to my my my bedroom was was still cracked open and and and I I I I I pushed through it it with a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a shaky breath “No ”
”
My My voice was was was adamant It reverberated in in in in my own ears low and unwavering It It was was the the the the alcohol alcohol It It had had had to to to be be the the the the alcohol alcohol that had had had made her her forget—she had had had never forgotten in in in in in in the the the the the the decade since I’d told her her how I I I I I hated the the the the the the Easter egg hunts We’d cook and and and and and bake instead a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a mountain of of of food for for for friends and and and and family and and and and our kitchen would smell of of of warm sugar through the the the the the the day day and and and and and in in in in in in in the the the the the the evening of of of honey-glazed ham At first there wasn’t a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a beer can in in in in in in in sight And her her her voice was was how I remembered it it it it But then it it it it began to to change with every big holiday that passed Friends never made plans and and and family gradually stopped coming at at all all all My mother still insisted on on cooking for for a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a small army even though for for a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a while now it it had only been the the the the two of of of us When I I I I I was was was too young to to to understand that what what I I I I I could see wasn’t what what others around me me me actually saw Easter egg egg hunts were fun My My My cousins cousins and and and and and and I I I I would would roam the the the the dew-drenched yard with with with our small small woven baskets searching for plastic eggs eggs filled with with with candies and and and and and trinkets and and and and and sometimes small small bills of of of money My My cousins cousins would would would rush out first first bounding across the the the the the the grass grass with with with their eyes set on on on the the the the the the first first wave of of of colored eggs eggs Meanwhile I I I would would would check between each tuft of of of of grass grass in in in in holes and and and and and and and crevices on on on ledges–I couldn’t see them Eventually an an an an an an an adult would would would ask ask if I I I I I I wanted help My mother my my my father aunts and and and and uncles and and and and grandparents through the the the the the the the years all all all offered to to to be be be my my my guides When I I I I I I I grew grew older I I I I I I I I I found out out that they would would ask ask my my my cousins to to to leave eggs where I I I I I I I I could could easily find find them as as as as as oth- erwise I’d probably be be out out there for hours Brandie came into the the the the the bedroom shutting the the the the the door softly behind her her I I I I I I I I I grew grew to to to hate hate hate all all scavenger hunts No matter how hard I I I I I I I I tried I I I I I I I I could could never find find whatever was was hid- den—and my my my mother knew knew this She She knew knew why
I I I I I I I hated them She She had known from the the the the the moment
She She pulled me me me off the the the the the bed bed to to to to stand in in in in in in front of of of of of her her her her “Talk to to to to me me me ”
She She She placed my my arms on on on her her her her shoul- ders and and and and and wrapped her her her own around my my waist I I I I I I first opened my my my my eyes as as as as as an an an an an infant that my my my my eye- sight wasn’t fully developed and and and she she she would would tell me me me me about about the the the the day I I I was was diagnosed as as as as legally blind But she she she also told me me me me about about how she she she would would place my my my hands on her cheeks to to to help me me me learn to to to chew I I I I I I I tried to to to to to hold back the the stream of of of tears I I I I I I I felt com- ing ing ing ing ing on on on on “I can’t can’t can’t can’t do do do it it it it it I I I I I I I can’t can’t can’t can’t fucking fucking do do do it it it it it and and and and and she she she knows knows I I I I I I I can’t can’t can’t can’t She’s fucking fucking drunk and and and and she’s not going going to to to leave it it it it it alone but but she she she knows knows I I I I I I I can’t can’t can’t can’t do do do it it it it it ”
I I I I I I I wasn’t wasn’t going going to to to cry this wasn’t wasn’t worth it it it it it but but Brandie held me anyway 19
Brandie’s grip loosened just enough for me to to pry my my fingers free (continued on on next page)