Page 77 - Vol. VI #9

on on their doors asking if they were okay They scribbled messages on on folded papers like ori- gami birds I I passed them them back and forth but not before reading them:
There was was another place place where I I I felt welcome— Zili’s house It was was the the safest most most peaceful place place I I I knew No arguing no no crazy-germs Euca- lyptus leaves arranged in in in in in in in Oaxacan pottery filled her her her her her her her rooms with an an an an an an almost-urine scent She She took me me up to to to to her her her her studio and and talked about paintings in in in in in in in in progress as as if they were people people “She’s resist- ing ing ing ing me me Her hands don’t know where to to to to go This one’s a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a bad girl I’ll get her her her her to to to to be be friendlier or else ” A ghostly array of of unfinished people people perched on on easels After he he he he he he used the the the nickname “Sudsy “Sudsy ” ” ” ” her mood softened but they still slept apart Within a a a a a a a a week he’d whistle “Dearly Beloved ” ” ” their signature
houses that had been my world was People shooing me me me me me from their lawns was was worse They wouldn’t even let me me me me me ask why I I I I stayed home to to watch over Mommy The The huge air con- ditioner breathed for our our house like an an an iron lung In its hum I I I I made drawings dolls poems—my radio playing She had her her Miltown pills Plasti- cine sculptures and Brazilian music music I’d lie next to to her her on on on the the burgundy carpet our our arms out- stretched bossa nova music music washing over us us us With eyes closed all hurt melted away Kostos’s most recent collection of poems is is is Pierced by Night-Col- ored Threads His previous books include This Is Not a a a a a a a a Skyscraper (recipient of of the the Benjamin Saltman Poetry Award selected by Mark Doty) Rivering Last Supper of of the the the Senses The Sentence That Ends with a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a Comma and and the the chapbook Celestial Rust He coedited Mama’s Boy (a Lambda Book Award finalist) and and edited edited Pomegran- ate Seeds (its debut reading was held at at at the United Nations) His poems and and personal essays have appeared in in over three hundred journals and and anthologies “Ted you’ve ignored my feelings ” ” ” “Sudsy “Sudsy we’re throwing away something pre- cious ” One day admiring a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a painting I I I I almost heard music floating from it It became a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a new way of of seeing I I I told Zili colors colors had sounds and vice versa worried she’d find that weird She said “Of course they do There’s even the the the ‘chromatic scale ’ ’ ’ ’ Notes have colors colors And didn’t you know abstract artists were trying to to paint melodies?” To illustrate her her point she she she she played an an an an an LP of of of electronic music Silver Apples of of of the the the the Moon It was strange and and metallic as as if it it had fallen from outer space Offering me me me me me a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a sheet of of of water-color paper and and and gouache she she she told me me me me me to to let my brush brush dance with the the the notes I I I painted a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a pewter swan skimming over ripples Daub by daub a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a perfect world “Sofia I I I never meant to hurt you you ” ” ” ” “I don’t believe that ” ” “T he stretch of suddenly off-limits I walked in the street ” A brush brush became a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a wand The The spell it it cast changed Cinnaminson By the the the time I I was eleven and and a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a half The The Ban
ended More important things had taken its place: marriages gradua- tions a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a Swedish father’s suicide But what Zili gave me me me lasted Unable to believe in in in in in anything as as as as as as as cruel as as as as as as “crazy-germs ” she taught me me art was as as as as as as necessary as as as water melody We were were a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a family family again for a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a while I’d wake in in in in in the the the the the middle of the the the the the night to make sure they weren’t screaming Eventually that became a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a per- manent reflex disrupting my my my sleep Nonetheless my my my family family was was a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a world where I I I had some control 68