Page 84 - WTP Vol.VI#6

The Shut Door (continued from page 30) crecy and selectivity—it was the the the the gathering itself SAS was not the the silly play of of little girls but rather a a a performance of of power Outsiders—not because they were necessarily bent on doing some kind of specific harm—were nevertheless a a a threat to the the the intimacy of the the the the group Little girls form secret so- cieties because they know in their bones that the the the the world is dangerous for for them them They must carve out zones of safety for themselves they need need trusted others They need room to live breathe and have their being—all firmly outside the the the the coercions of powerful others who cannot be trusted with the the the treasured secrets of their budding bodies and souls By enacting guarded borders we we were talking back to a a society bent on undermining our integ- rity To the forces that conspired to distract us from ourselves to to diffuse our our creative energies to to deny our moral development—planning a a a neigh- borhood recycle day in in secret was in in fact talk- ing back Not everyone could be trusted with our pearls swine can’t keep confidence Holding to secrecy and granting access to others selectively were acts of self-definition exercises in in coalition building and practices of necessary reticence There isn’t a a word in in the minutes about selection or exclusion based on on any specific traits—intel- lectual economic racial or otherwise—with the the exception that members must possess the ability to keep confidence attend activities and and and respect group decisions and and the the other members—and presumably be female We intuited that bound- aries were foundational for any sanctuary I will withhold club secrets Matty: here’s freedom A bright and and exacting little girl of stern funda- mentalist parents Brooke grew into a a a a cruel and deceptive teenager I distanced myself from her her in high school when her callousness grew op- pressive to to me and took on a a a bullying quality She was demeaning to her peers (or anyone
she deemed powerless) but charming to teach- ers or or or coaches or or or popular older kids (or anyone
she reckoned could get her something) My friend Lindsay came to Trigonometry one day threw herself in her her chair obviously rattled and whispered to me in desperation “I just don’t know what to do about her ” She had befriended Brooke only to to find herself now subjected to to her her merciless manipulation In high school school one of Brooke’s ex-boyfriends blabbed to the the school that Brooke wore granny panties (If she she wore the same underwear in high school that she wore when I was friends with her then her ex was was correct ) The violation was was mor- tifying—material revealed in in secret and spurted into the imagination of an immature public like
a a a a poisonous dart I I felt felt embarrassed for her her but I I also felt gratified—her meanness finally matched by another What only now comes into view is that such a a a a a breach for for her for for all of of us signifies a a a a a symptom of of a a a a a larger disease—the slow and total extermination of trust Brooke killed herself when she was 30 I wish freedom could have come another way ~
Hypocrites love demonstrative and public prayer but Jesus offered an alternate vision of of piety— lock the the door and do do your holy business ob- scurely the one who sees in in secret rewards in in secret We live in times that love demonstrative and and public everything everything (Well everything everything that is self-stylized for consumption and garners fleeting attention ) Most emblematic of this everything:
It is nothing nothing nothing nothing at at all to to circulate photos
of of the inside of of your uterus Ultrasound images grainy and and indeterminate appear in in in in in in-boxes and and on on on feeds alongside Macy’s coupons The preva- lence with which we have all been exposed to other people’s intra-uterine photographs—and with which we have so readily offered up pic- tures of of of our own wombs to multitudes of of of mostly voyeurs—surely signals a a a a miscarriage of reti- cence it it it is curled in in fetal position gasping its last breaths But can we say no? No No No high school math teacher—No acquaintance from church—No co- worker—Even: No No No No dear dear family dear dear friends—No you are not not allowed a a a a a a a a a peek inside of my my body You do do have have access to to to my my inward knitting I do do not not need or want you to to to have have an an opinion on—to “like”—
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