Page 17 - WTP VOl. V #9

No, actually. I didn’t. The second half of the school year I wore the same outfit every day for about, oh, two months. It consisted of acid-wash mom jeans that I paired with a teal shirt that had every kind of whale you could imagine on the front.6 I wore that outfit every single day, and as soon as I got home from school, I’d change into my most comfortable pair of stirrup pants and bedazzled shoes so that I could put the clothes in the wash for the next day. My reasoning behind this “outfit ad nauseum” was simple. I could look amazing and educate others about the world’s whale population. It never occurred to me that wearing the same damn clothes for two months straight might make the climb up the social lad- der a bit more challenging.
kids my entire life, and I knew them well. More importantly, I knew their handwriting well. So, when I’d find letters stuffed in my locker with horrible words and cruel insults scrawled across the page in their finest chicken scratch, I’d just go right ahead and correct their spelling and gram- matical errors and deliver them right back to them.9 It made me feel better, but I can’t say it did much for my “cool” stock.
Moving into middle school, I got braces and head- gear. And despite the orthodontist’s vehement insistence that it only needed to be worn at night, I went ahead and wore that headgear to school. Every. Single. Day. For the entire spring. We’re go- ing to leave it at that, so don’t even try.
As an adult, I’m less obnoxious10 but still nowhere near cool. My friends are cool. My husband is cool. I am not cool. I’m the girl people have known for forever and still won’t be recognized at the store unless I’m with my family. This recently happened with my neighbors. My five-year-old daughter, Lily, was recognized before I was. She’s had, like, two conversations with them her en- tire life. Or how about this? I make my friend go with me to pick up my car from the mechanic,11 because I don’t want it to be awkward when he doesn’t recognize me...again. No joke, people; I am completely forgettable.
When I wasn’t completely invisible to the other cool kids at school, I was being made fun of by them. I got excellent grades and worked well above grade level in every subject, and every Wednesday my equally-minded buddies and I got shipped off to a nearby school for special classes. I enjoyed school and often reminded the teacher about as- signments. I drafted my own extra credit assign- ments, for which I would turn in, already correct- ed, with 100% accuracy, along with suggestions for how much extra credit they might be worth. I often incorporated my allegiance to the rules in my writing so that the teacher knew she could count on me to uphold them. My favorite thing about the entire school year was having lunch with the teacher, and in the fourth grade I participated in a little musical number entitled “Word Rap.”7 So yeah, I got made fun of 8. By middle school, the teasing was getting old and my previously shy and peaceful nature was beginning to wane. I had gone through school with the same group of
I’m also the girl who gets called “Jennifer” over and over again by people I’ve known for years.
I mentioned this to my best friend and she just about died laughing because, “Oh my God! It’s so true!” She calls me Jennifer now. And to all of you who were just all, “Wait...that’s not your name?!” Let me say this: if you don’t know it by now, I’m totally not telling you.12 If I ever had to enter the Witness Protection Program, I’d totally win on the whole blending-in-so-you-don’t-get-killed thing, but the name part would end me. The
US Marshals would be like, “Your new name is Jessica.” And then it would be super awkward when I’d have to tell them my name actually is Jessica. Because then they’d be all, “No...your old name is Jennifer. Your new name is Jessica.” And then I’d be totally screwed. I’ve also heard the US Marshals can be kind of jerks, so I might get a really cool name like Penny, but instead of the traditional spelling of Penny, they’d probably
6 I was into whale taxonomy....clearly.
7 “Verb! It’s an action word!” And then we had to freestyle dance. (Insert heavy sigh and look of shame here.)
8 A lot.
9 Boom! Mic drop.
10 I hope?
11 Who is a a family friend, by the way. This is an important detail to
my point. 8
12 FYI—it’s Jessica.
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