Page 18 - WTP VOl. V #9

Cool Kids (continued from preceding page)
make me spell it V-A-G-I-N-A.13 So now I don’t
in an attempt to make myself appear cool and breezy, when in actuality, I was just nervously trying to keep up with all of you. More than likely, I spent the night asking myself, Will I ever fit in? And the answer is, probably not. I’m nerdy and awkward and horribly, horribly insecure. None
even have Witness Protection to hope for.
But anyway, I digress. Let’s get back to the story.
So, I still don’t even look cool. While I’ve more or less given up on whale taxonomy as part of my signature fashion piece,14 I’ve now taken to wearing a regular rotation of t-shirts that in- clude hilarious puns. At work, I’m most comfort- able in a sensible cardigan, or perhaps a casual vest. I like a supportive bra, a high neckline, and a long hemline. My favorite lipstick color comes from Bonnie Bell’s winter collection of lip balms. I’m single-handedly trying to bring back the poncho. And don’t even tempt me because, mark my word, I will bring back the fanny pack. If for nothing else besides the name: fanny pack.
of the people I hang out with even come close to
My husband, who works in the same school dis- trict as myself,15 is super cool. He’s everyone’s favorite teacher. He loves to perform and be the center of attention. He’s charming, and hand- some, and clever. He’s cool. And when other
cool people meet him, immediately they want to meet me, too. Bless his heart for being excited to set up a play date for his socially impaired and attractively disabled wife, but these meetings often end the same. The other cool kids, I think, assume that because he’s cool, I’m going to be his cool female counterpart. Well folks, that’s gonna be rough. Because this cat? She’s not so cool. I work way too hard at being effortlessly cool, which is often realized when I get home to see my clothes drenched in sweat from being so anxious around other people in large crowds.16 And also? If you have to work at something, it’s not effortless.17
Now, I know you’re all wondering it, so I’m just going to come out and say it. You’re all wonder- ing how a social misfit, such as myself, can score a hot dude like Marc. Well, I don’t really know, actu- ally. I’ve been likened to head lice19 in that I’m relentless and hard to get rid of. So it’s entirely possible that he just gave up and succumbed to my demands for husbandry. It could also be my superior bosom of “Barley B’s” that left him pow- erless in their tractor beam of voluptuousness. Maybe it was the seductive way I always insist
So, those evenings out, more than likely I spent most of the night nodding and smiling quietly
So, where am I going with all of this? Well, a while ago, I was counseling a student at one of my schools and she made a comment about not feeling cool. She lamented about how alone she felt, and how hard it was to feel like she didn’t belong any- where or with anyone. Knowing all too well how this can feel, I sincerely empathized with her. It’s a lonely island when you feel totally misplaced. Her story has a happy ending, though. We worked on finding her coolness. We challenged the conven- tional standards of cool and found a place where she reigned supreme. And wouldn’t you know?
that. They are, indisputably, effortlessly cool
and the worst part of all this mucky muck is that I so desperately want to be that super cool kid, too. I want to be that supremely social butterfly that flutters all around a room leaving everyone wish- ing for a little more of my company before I fly away to the next group. Or, maybe that’s not the worst part. Maybe the worst part isn’t that I want to be that, but that I can’t be that. It’s just not me.
on changing my clothes alone, in the dark, in the bathroom, behind locked doors. Or, perhaps it was the Roofie. I guess we’ll never know.
18
13 Jerks.
14 Sorry, guys. I guess people don’t care about whales unless they are destroying some old guy’s boat.
15 This would probably be a good place to mention that I’m a school psychologist, which means I get to re-experience the unforgiving ter- rain of the social world on a daily basis through my students.
16 Okay, but in my defense, give me a small and intimate setting and I’ll charm the shit of people. Especially if it’s a dinner party and Red Wine Jessica makes an appearance. Apparently, she’s everyone’s favorite.
17 And also you might not know what effortless means.
18 And, for the record, also super kind. The new breed of cool kids doesn’t take pleasure in bringing others down. They are an inclusive group who would never in a million years subscribe to a philosophy of hate or cruelty. They really are cool.
19 Or “hair pets” if you prefer a more PC term.