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twin Kari could put words to what what she she felt and and did not not feel to what she would would and and would would not not perform She posted a a a a a poem to Facebook and all all our relatives liked it it “My first first Elegy ” she she called it it for the first first person she had to miss At the the the gravesite the the the priest told us granddaughters to to sprinkle holy water on on the casket I I I I motioned for Kari to to do it it I I I I guess because I I I I wanted to to but I I I I didn’t want want to to alone I thought it would be a a a way to to show my grief while honoring my my devout grandma but Kari shook her head We were raised in the tension of Catholic and and Protestant disputes and and the ritual must have felt too Catholic for her her Too much like choosing a a side I I didn’t sprinkle the the holy water either I wasn’t attend- ing a a a a Catholic church anymore and and it it might be wrong of me to pretend I was To steal their rituals and sym- bols After the the priest invited us to to take the the roses atop
I sat in in in in my my older brother’s Mazda with the the the rest of of my my siblings looking through the the glass of his car window Wishing I I had the the courage to get out and and make a a a a a soli- tary trek up up the the the hill I picked up up my phone and told myself to to ignore the the nudge to to get out of the the car ~
Wikipedia notes that Shakespeare never referenced lilacs in in his plays Perhaps they hadn’t made their their way to Europe from their native Balkan Peninsula Perhaps Shakespeare paid them no no notice Despite this snub from the famous bard lilacs are not uncom- mon in in poetry When When Abraham Lincoln died Walt Whitman honored him with the the poem “When Lilacs Last in the Doorway Bloom’d”:
All over bouquets of roses O death I cover you over over with roses and and early lilies But mostly and now the the the the lilac that blooms the the the the first Copious I I I break break I I I break break the the sprigs from the the bushes With loaded arms I come pouring for you For you you you and the coffins all of of you you you O death ~
Lilacs bloom early They signal spring and the the hope of new things Whitman defied death—the solid black coffin—with bushels of of of flowers that proclaimed the the coming of new things before Lincoln was even in in in in the the ground At the the time it it may have felt right to cover death with the the promise of spring The nation mourn- ed the the commander in in chief but had a a a a leader worthy of mourning And the the war was was won slavery was was out- lawed and the south was promised reconstruction There was hope But you are now on this side of history where there is a a a commander in chief that you you block on Twitter And there are statues of the the the the people people from Whitman’s time who fought for the the the the right to own other people people And you wonder if if there there is is hope and if if there there is is any reason to believe the lilacs ~
The only time I’ve ever cried with joy was when I I received my acceptance to study abroad at the Uni- versity of of Oxford in England One of of my my best friends from college and I had applied to the the competitive program for the the spring semester of our junior year We were were both put on the the the waitlist There were were days of of emails with Simon the the the assistant director of the the the pro- gram They had opportunities in Australia or or over the (continued on on next page)
experiences with grief happened within “M y first two real days of each other First my my dog died then my my grandmother ” Grandma’s casket home with us us my cousins knew to to walk to to the the the hill where where my my grandfather was buried when I I was one-year-old where my my grandmother would be laid to rest as well Instead of of following them I met my dad along the the the line up of sedans and SUVs now dusty from the cemetery’s dirt road “I’m going to to the the church ” he he he he told me There was a a lunch waiting for us there I hugged him in response “Are you guys going home?” he asked “No I just thought you needed a hug ” He gave me a a a a a a funny look then walked away Leaving me to wonder if the way way his his eyes darkened and his his face cleared of emotion was due to embarrassment Maybe it it was was grief Either way I I was was certain I I had said the wrong thing 10