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Three Sarahs (continued from preceding page)
ing Bet they they got no idea what they’re seein’ south-
ern Pennsylvania’s honest-to-God real milkshed van- ishin’ before their eyes And the the the end of Otts Meuller’s life I know they’re not seein’ that ~
Jude and I I I live live live in in in in in separate worlds He lives in in in in in a a a a world world world of of doing And I I live in in in a a world world world of of waiting When I I worked for the Agency my world world too was a a world world of doing doing but it it it was doing doing carefully camouflaged as as waiting waiting Waiting for a a a a a certain young man to emerge from a a a a hovel in in in in in in northern Mali Or Or waiting waiting waiting to get past a a a a a road block in in in in in Burkina Faso Or waiting waiting to find out if my Peul contact in Mopti was still alive And then we we we moved here and waited until we we we were “ready” for for a a a a baby And And then waited waited to find out why I wasn’t getting pregnant And waited more for my “treatments” to work Now I I just wait wait Wait for for my baby to to to to wake up so I’ll have something to to to do do do do Then wait for her to to to go to to to sleep so I I won’t And whatever I I do do do do or don’t do do do do doesn’t feel like real life The pain of having her her now that was real It blasted me into an all-consuming furnace where nothing existed but obliterating agony Not Jude telling me to “Push Krista push!” not the nurse saying “One more just one more!” were as as real as as that willful emerging life splitting me open And then when I held Sarah felt her warm heft saw myself in her I I I thought Yes this this too is is is real I I I can do this But I was wrong First Sarah wouldn’t nurse then she didn’t gain weight and finally the the doctor said it it would be be be best to put her her her on formula And with each passing day being her her mother feels less real I remember those African women a a a a baby strapped to their their their backs another one holding their their their hand a a a a a basket of sweet potatoes balanced on their their heads How How beau- tiful were their faces How exquisitely impassive as as if if they had learned to harness whatever energy having an expression would cost As if their horizons were not the the the far-off hills but simply one step ahead Then another another And another another “Here women play at purpose ” I told Jude last night He He didn’t understand How could he? He He lives in the world of doing But here so many women live as I I do: by waiting I hear them in in in in the the the the Walmart talking about the the the upcoming soccer season the the the lacrosse games where they’ll sink into low foldup chairs and wait for their their kids to play I see them them sitting in in their their SUVs at school dismissal time Watch them at at the the library Story
Hour The woman in Mali couldn’t afford to wait on the the the periphery of their child’s activity What super- human dignity and reserve they had They were so busy simply enduring Their lives were full full of woe but full And real I I I think I’ll call call my sister in in New York Her job scarcely gives her time time to breathe but whenever I call she she she says she she wants to come visit so maybe this this time she she will And this afternoon when Sarah wakes up I’ll take Jude’s shirts to the laundry on Market Street The woman who runs it is from China and I feel she’s like me Both of us foreigners in in this place And maybe I’ll scout out out that little lingerie shop some place to take my sister if she comes ~
Late afternoon early spring an SUV pulls up Two blonde women climb out in in wordless synchroniza- tion You assume they’re sisters—running your own shop has made you you you a a a keen observer of people—you know how to to to touch their sweet spots to to to make a a a sale The driver wrestles a a a a a baby carrier from the the back and and sets it on the the the ground and and while she’s getting her handbag the the the the taller one makes googly eyes at the the the the baby baby She’s the the High High Auntie Auntie you know the the High High Auntie Auntie role Since Evan got married and had a a a a a a baby baby you play the the High Auntie all the the time When the the the women come inside High Auntie spots the the the silk camisoles right away and doesn’t mind the sixty- dollar price She holds a a shell-pink one up to her chest “They’re made by Amish women near Lancaster ” you tell her High Auntie laughs “Amish women! Making some- thing like this! Well I must say that that certainly is is is inter- esting ” She has the the the same misconception that that many nonlocals have about the the Amish: that their austerity precludes active sex lives The SUV has Pennsylvania plates so the the the woman with the the baby must be the the sister sister who lives nearby You watch watch her her watch watch her her sister “It’s lovely ” ” High Auntie remarks about the camisole “but I don’t know if it it would fit me ” Her mouth gives rueful twist but her her hand flutters over her her amble breasts with white-fingered pride ~
You help her find one cut a a a little larger and looser “This style’s been very popular Try it on It should
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