Page 20 - Aging Parents - FDCCPublications

PATIENCE, PLANNING AND SUPPORT: REFLECTIONS ON DEALING WITH AGING FAMILY MEMBERS
Introduction
If we and our parents are fortunate, they will live long and healthy lives which allow them to witness and to rejoice in the milestones in the lives of their children and perhaps grandchildren and great-grandchildren. But with longevity often comes significant and increasing decline in mental and/or physical health – and decreasing independence. As that happens, we will have the opportunity and responsibility to provide for their care and support in ways we may have never imagined.
My father died in 2013 at the age of 83 after a series of debilitating health problems. He was survived by my mother (who turned 95 on January 17!), me, and my two siblings (both of whom live in other states). My mother now resides in an assisted living community located less than a mile from our home. Because my siblings live far away, it is my responsibility to tend to her day-to-day well-being.
Of course this is uncharted territory for me, and I appreciate this opportunity to share some of my experiences and mistakes, and lessons I have learned along the way. If you also have one or more elderly parents, I hope you will find some of my reflections and suggestions to be helpful – recognizing that no two situations are the same.
Shifting Household Dynamics
If both parents are living, one of them may be in steeper decline than the other. This can upset the dynamics of what may be a long marital relationship in which the one who typically managed such mundane but essential things as finances, taxes, bill payment, insurance, and automobile maintenance is the one in deeper decline. That parent may try to continue to handle those responsibilities for longer than he or she should, both because we humans generally cling to those things that are core to our senses of self- value and identity, and due to the other parent’s inability or reluctance to take over those responsibilities.
My parents had been married for 62 years when my
father died. He was the one who took care of just about everything other than cooking and cleaning – not unusual for that generation. As my father did, the parent who is in deeper decline may try to mask over problems in an effort to maintain the status quo for the other. As Dad’s health and challenges of daily living reached the point that I wanted and needed to be able to visit more frequently and get to him more quickly, I tried to persuade them to move closer to me and my family (they lived about 45 minutes away.) But Mom was still driving and enjoyed being able to go to the local YMCA, shops, and restaurants, and to visit with
a group of nearby friends and neighbors whose numbers were steadily declining. As evidenced by the colorful paint transferred onto the corners of her trusty Toyota Camry,
she probably had no business driving anywhere, but at least she was familiar and comfortable with the roads and regular destinations surrounding their home. Dad did not want to deprive her of those simple but essential pleasures, so he stubbornly and sacrificially resisted my pleas to relocate.
This eventually led to a situation in which his condition declined to the point that Mom was no longer capable of providing him with adequate care, support, and protection against injury. We became aware of several such occasions over the course of his last couple of years. There were lacerations and bruises caused by falls. He likely dislocated a shoulder. His hygiene was sometimes not the best. No doubt there were other mishaps of which we never learned. At one point I adamantly insisted that the situation was untenable and that they needed to move into an assisted living community near our home as soon as possible, but to no avail.
While I respect that my father was willing to sacrifice his own well-being for the emotional health of Mom, it was at great cost to him both physically and emotionally, and it was difficult for us to watch. But even in hindsight, I struggle
to think of what we could have done differently that would have changed the outcome. At least in my experience, trying to balance the desire to respect personal decisions and autonomy with the need to mitigate risk can be tricky business.
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