Page 24 - Aging Parents - FDCCPublications

PATIENCE, PLANNING AND SUPPORT: REFLECTIONS ON DEALING WITH AGING FAMILY MEMBERS
a subconscious resistance to accepting that my mother’s memory and overall cognitive function were beginning to fail. So when she would forget something I had told her and stubbornly insist that I had not done so, instead of dropping the issue I would argue with and even chastise
her. The typical pattern was “Such and such is happening.” “Well you never told me that.” “Yes I did.” “No you didn’t.” And on and on. Hack: Don’t tell your forgetful parent anything very far in advance. There usually is no real downside to just waiting until just before the event, and you avoid controversy regarding whether you told them about
it earlier. You also minimize the time in which they might experience anxiety about whatever is about to happen.
As a person of faith, I have prayed often and earnestly
that God would give me the patience – divine patience transcending human understanding – that the circumstances absolutely required but which I could not conjure on my own. He has always answered that prayer. If you believe in God or some other higher power, I would not hesitate to call on them for support.
Revelation #2 Very old people are like young children. Eventually I realized that it helps to view an aged parent
as one does a young child. I came to understand that
some of the things I learned while helping to raise my
four children were helpful in dealing with my mother. I reminded myself that I should not expect more from her than her age naturally permits. In other words, I needed
to focus on being patient and remembering that she is a work-in-progress, and her future behavior could be positively influenced by how I handle the current situation. I would
be dishonest if I did not admit that there have been times when I reacted inappropriately to things my mother has said or done (just as I did with my children). I think part of the problem stemmed from my difficulty acknowledging and accepting what is happening to her. Eventually, I got there, which led to –
Revelation #3 Very old people are not like young children in one important respect. When raising children, the goal
is to address their behavior in such a way that they learn what is desirable and what is not so that they modify their future conduct, and that there are negative consequences
for making the wrong choice. After all, they are walking talking miracles who are evolving from helpless infants to independent adults before our very eyes. I don’t know why it took so long, but only very recently did I come to realize that
unlike a growing child, my mother does not learn from or even retain much of what I try to impart to her. She often seems to not learn from her mistakes or to try to improve or to modify her behavior – not deliberately, but because she is incapable. It reminds me of the movie, “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.” She is physically an adult but her mind is becoming increasingly child-like. With each passing day and ever so slightly, she becomes less independent and rational. Sadly, she is now in a stage in which she seems
at times to be aware that this is all happening but there’s nothing she can do to slow or stop it. Understandably, she sometimes feels frustrated, angry, embarrassed, and scared. My hope is that she will soon reach the point at which
she loses that awareness, no longer passing back and forth across the divide that separates coherence and lucidity from peaceful oblivion.
Closing Reflections
Regardless of any Biblical mandates, I want to honor my father and mother. I believe that by caring for parents in their final years with loving kindness, patience, grace, and understanding, we fulfill that responsibility. I also believe that I continue to honor my father by doing everything in my power to care for my mother. I remind myself that the tables were once turned, and that I was fortunate to have parents who sacrificed and provided for my essential needs during times in which I was wholly incapable of doing so – and that sometimes things got messy and ugly. As difficult and challenging as it may be, it is a true privilege to have the opportunity to repay them in some measure for everything they’ve done for me. And for those of us with children of our own, we can only hope that the lessons learned while caring for our aged parents will also help us to prepare ourselves and our children for what may lie ahead when we enter the final season of our own lives.
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Scott T. Dickens is a partner with Fultz Maddox Dickens in Louisville, KY. Contact him at: sdickens@fmdlegal.com.