Page 26 - Aging Parents - FDCCPublications

PATIENCE, PLANNING AND SUPPORT: REFLECTIONS ON DEALING WITH AGING FAMILY MEMBERS
Introduction
If we and our parents are fortunate, they will live long and healthy lives which allow them to witness and to rejoice in the milestones in the lives of their children and perhaps grandchildren and great-grandchildren. But with longevity often comes significant and increasing decline in mental and/or physical health – and decreasing independence. As that happens, we will have the opportunity and responsibility to provide for their care and support in ways we may have never imagined.
My father died in 2013 at the age of 83 after a series of debilitating health problems. He was survived by my mother (who turned 95 on January 17!), me, and my two siblings (both of whom live in other states). My mother now resides in an assisted living community located less than a miile from our home. Because my siblings live far away, it is my responsibility to tend to her day-to-day well-being.
Of course this is uncharted territory for me, and I appreciate this opportunity to share some of my experiences and mistakes, and lessons I have learned along the way. If you also have one or more elderly parents, I hope you will find some of my reflections and suggestions to be helpful – recognizing that no two situations are the same.
My biggest cheerleaders taught me how to refocus on the importance of foundation and family as my career started to thrive. I came from a very close family. We moved a lot, and at the start of a new city, my parents and sister were my only friends. Of course, my parents taught us to be independent and adapt, so we quickly found our way with friends and activities. I was harsh on myself and stayed laser-focused on obtaining career success through the years. My parents were always there to catch me when I fell short or encourage me during tough times. They were also the first to cheer me on when I reached my goals. Graduations, weddings, babies, and my success made them happier than anything else. However, I was quickly about to learn the impact aging parents can have on one’s life. It all began with Mom’s horrible call one evening that she had cancer. I was devastated.
I assured her I would do whatever she needed to do to fight, and we fought hard. It was not easy. I had two children under seven at the time and had just been selected to be the Firm’s Tort Group practice group leader. I ran on fumes as I tried my best to be present for my parents during my mom’s treatments, my young family, clients, the practice group,
and the Firm. It was a long road, but my mom thankfully went into remission, only to learn it was my father’s turn to have cancer. I once again pulled up my sleeves and helped
him fight hard while trying to keep all my other balls in the air. Once he went into remission, I took a short breath and focused on my career and family. I was earning respect in my firm and was asked to serve on the firm’s compensation committee for the first time. The second day after trying
to prove I was a valuable member of the committee, my mother called with the devastating news that her cancer had returned. I knew deep down that it was only a matter of time. I did all I could to keep up with work and family and spend time with my mom. I was lucky to be with her in her final days and hold her hand as she took her last breath two months later. Her death took so much out of me. She was my person. The person I called on my way to work each day and on my way home. The second person (after my husband) that I called to share good/bad news with. She was my rock, and now that rock was gone.
I also had to turn my attention to my father, who was lost without my mother. He was also not in great health due
to his previous cancer diagnosis and other ailments. It was
a trying few years. Thankfully, he agreed to sell his house and move into a retirement community, so I did not have to worry so much about him being alone. But I constantly felt guilty that I was not seeing or talking to him enough. He did take my mom’s place as my daily first call, but he was not always as eager to have this new role. I made sure my family
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