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PATIENCE, PLANNING AND SUPPORT: REFLECTIONS ON DEALING WITH AGING FAMILY MEMBERS
uncommon in elderly people as their septum weakens with age and many take blood-thinning medication. Other contributing factors in Kentucky are dry winter air and – in my mother’s case – the tendency to keep the apartment thermostat just a couple of notches below
the “pits of Hell” setting. Although usually not life- threatening, it is a traumatic experience and can result in significant blood loss.
Over the course of that 7-hour adventure, and when I wasn’t praying fervently that I would be protected from the crowd of COVID-infected patients inhabiting the waiting area, I spent considerable time wishing that I had remembered to bring a cell phone charger, some bottled water, and food. Chargers are a scarce commodity
in emergency departments, and at least in my limited experience the vending machines were virtually empty. So I suggest keeping a spare charger and some bottled water and protein bars or other sustenance in your vehicle, just for such an occasion.
I also recommend making sure your parents’ photo
IDs and medical insurance cards are stored in a secure location in their home so that they can be retrieved without delay when needed. I also suggest making photocopies or digital images as a back-up. When my mother had her nose-bleed episode, we were unable to find any of those important items (she had misplaced them in her apartment) and our resulting inability to present them during the intake process at the hospital caused some additional effort, delay, and angst. We now keep those cards in a safe and I also have images saved in my phone.
n Plan to attend medical appointments. When my mother first transitioned into her assisted living community
she would go to her occasional medical appointments
by herself, with transportation provided by the facility. But eventually it became clear that a family member needed to attend those visits with her, as her ability to understand and to absorb information and instructions provided to her by physicians and others began to wane. We were also concerned that she was not able (or was perhaps unwilling) to provide her medical providers with complete and accurate information regarding changes in her condition or other items of concern arising since her last visit. I now take her to her medical appointments and interact directly with her providers. I also keep a list
of her current medications because every provider asks for that information, every single time.
Also, I’m a big fan of using the providers’ online patient portals to communicate with Mom’s doctors before and after visits. Not only does this facilitate some discrete discussions regarding matters that might be difficult or awkward in the examination room setting, but they also allow you to share information in advance of office visits so that the provider will then have the opportunity to better prepare.
The Struggle Is Real
It is difficult to prepare for something you have never done before and for which there is no universal blueprint. Caring for an aged parent is a serious and demanding responsibility. Preparing yourself both mentally and emotionally will go a long way to help you to fulfill that responsibility to the best of your abilities.
Regrettably, my journey experience has been more reactionary than anticipatory. Along the way, I have had three critical revelations.
Revelation #1 Extraordinary patience is required.
Even though it should have come as no surprise, I had
a subconscious resistance to accepting that my mother’s memory and overall cognitive function were beginning to fail. So when she would forget something I had told her and stubbornly insist that I had not done so, instead of dropping the issue I would argue with and even chastise
her. The typical pattern was “Such and such is happening.” “Well you never told me that.” “Yes I did.” “No you didn’t.” And on and on. Hack: Don’t tell your forgetful parent anything very far in advance. There usually is no real downside to just waiting until just before the event, and you avoid controversy regarding whether you told them about
it earlier. You also minimize the time in which they might experience anxiety about whatever is about to happen.
As a person of faith, I have prayed often and earnestly
that God would give me the patience – divine patience transcending human understanding – that the circumstances absolutely required but which I could not conjure on my own. He has always answered that prayer. If you believe in God or some other higher power, I would not hesitate to call on them for support.
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