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PATIENCE, PLANNING AND SUPPORT: REFLECTIONS ON DEALING WITH AGING FAMILY MEMBERS
center she stayed in. It typically was a 20-30-minute call, but it helped keep them abreast of issues we all saw and heard about.
9. All the medication might be suitable, but it could be what is holding them back. After a year or more in a memory care center, our aunt quit eating and was moved to a full-time nursing bed in hospice. They took her off all of her meds, and she immediately snapped back and began eating and interacting. She lived for at least 18 months more.
Caring for my mother during her esophageal cancer treatment was – and still is – the hardest, even though it was only seven months from the date of diagnosis to her death. She received the diagnosis and immediately decided to go to MD Anderson because she heard it was the best. It was also in 1997-1998, so my memory of the many lessons I learned have faded a bit, but here goes:
1. Patience and games. The entire experience
at MD Anderson was one of patience. Waiting in waiting rooms and exam rooms for hours. In the pre- smartphone era, we used electronic games and played volleyball on the exam table with blown-up exam gloves. We read books and played Spite (a card game).
2. Records. I kept meticulous records of each appointment, including what was asked and discussed.
I began to go to the records room and get the records of each treatment nearly daily to confirm accuracy. With so many doctors, residents, interns, physician assistants, nurses, etc., who were meeting with many patients a day, they often confused her with other patients and made wrong assumptions about her symptoms based on the overarching diagnosis. I was there to make sure they understood where she differed so that the next decisions were customized to her care.
3. Appointments. Get the first appointment of the day with the doctor if possible. It eliminates the waiting – and usually resolves the tired doctor errors.
4. Hotel and car. At the time, if you stayed in Texas for 30 days, you could claim some residency enough to stay at the Rotary House that was connected to
the hospital. The proximity to the hospital was really helpful, particularly on those nights when we needed an emergency visit to the ER or the pharmacy. And everyone there was being treated for some cancer, so it was a built-in community. Having a car was invaluable to escaping that world for lunch, a quick shopping trip, or sitting in the car and sing.
5. Don’t nag. It seems obvious, but a good lesson. My mom was a smoker. I had been trying to get her to stop smoking my entire life. In my infinite wisdom of 30 years, I thought that she’d stop once she was diagnosed with cancer caused by smoking and start treatment. Nope. She kept smoking all through the treatment – and she was far from the only one. Many patients would stand outside and smoke, hooked up to the IV of pre- chemo fluids. She had a smoking circle of friends that varied in size from five to twelve. They met each day
on the patio of the Rotary House, smoked and talked, gave and received advice, and told terrific stories and laughed. As she said, “cancer treatment is stressful;
this is the last time in my life that I’d stop smoking.” Honestly, looking back, it’s my one regret. I wasn’t going to change her at this point. Hell, she was 60 years old.
6. Record conversations. One last takeaway from losing a parent or loved one: record some conversations with them, keep some of their voicemails for you, and transfer them to DVDs and other places. In particular, I was lucky to have kept the last voicemails of each of my parents before they passed. Each singing to me: my mom’s birthday message that I still play 25 years later and my dad’s message telling me he loved me. That voice and message will be with you and your loved ones forever.
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Justi Rae Miller is Associate General Counsel in the Litigation Division of State Farm Insurance Company in Bloomington, IL. Contact her at: justi.miller.fmaq@statefarm.com.