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PATIENCE, PLANNING AND SUPPORT: REFLECTIONS ON DEALING WITH AGING FAMILY MEMBERS
3. Communicate throughout the family. The cousins sat down and communicated expectations and roles early on so that we didn’t have missteps. We also communicated well through each financial and medical decision in the process. There was never any jealousy or distrust. We each did what we could for Aunt Estelle and worked hard to make the best decisions for her and help her through the last years.
4. How do you convince her to move into assisted living. Our aunt’s home required her to go down steep stairs to do laundry and access various items. She had
a bad fall years before, so it was time to move. She had been checking out assisted living facilities independently but was scared about the move itself. She was worried she wouldn’t like it. My cousin, Dick, came up with a brilliant plan. He told her that the assisted living facility offered a “free two-month stay.” We would take her there with a few pieces of her furniture, kitchenware, and favorite clothing. If she didn’t like it, she could quickly move back home. We’d help take care of the rest if she did like it. She thought she’d try it as a result – and she loved it. After being a widower for more than 30 years and living in a house that had overwhelmed her, she loved being warm all the time, the available meals, and the company of others, and she could still play her organ or piano there. Even though she couldn’t drive, we kept the house and the car available for her for at least six months or more if she changed her mind.
5. It’s ok to trust others to help you. My aunt met
a wonderful younger woman, Pam, at church. Pam considered my aunt like her grandmother and helped her quite a bit. Due to Pam’s job as a bank manager in town, she couldn’t be involved in our aunt’s finances, but she stepped in and helped by visiting Aunt Estelle as often as possible, at least daily. Her mother even began
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coming to visit. And, since we lived so far away, we hired a young woman to spend an hour a day with Aunt Estelle, initially to make sure she had taken her pills
(in the first assisted living home), to talk with her, run errands, read the paper or the bible to her, and keep her company. This group of women was a godsend, and we were fortunate to have their help.
It’s never too late to be kind. This frail little woman, who had very few memories of being kind when I was a child, turned into the most thoughtful woman everyone loved. She called everyone “sweetheart” and said she loved us many times during a visit.
Do the research and fight for them. She fell twice at the assisted living, likely breaking her leg (hairline fracture) one day and then falling and breaking her hip while struggling with the leg the next day. The surgeon called me in a hurry and wanted to “put a pin in it.” I called a hip surgeon friend to understand more and was told that if he did that surgery versus a hip replacement, she’d likely never get out of the wheelchair. The number of years of survival drops significantly if a person is immobile. I asked my aunt’s surgeon to “walk me through the options” and then insisted on the hip replacement. There was a chance she’d not make it through the surgery, but relegating her to a wheelchair didn’t seem like what she would have wanted. She had the hip replacement and returned to assisted living with a complete physical therapy schedule. She was able to walk with a walker – and I think, a full life for at least another year or more before the dementia worsened.
Communicate with the facility team. I set a quarterly or monthly call with the team to check in on medication, food, weight, emotional, and physical needs for each assisted living, memory care, and nursing care
It’s never too late to be kind.
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