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PATIENCE, PLANNING AND SUPPORT: REFLECTIONS ON DEALING WITH AGING FAMILY MEMBERS
authority as a family member may only go so far depending on your (or, more importantly, their) jurisdiction laws. So
it is essential to consult and have your loved ones consult a trusted professional to ensure when the time comes, they have put you in the best position to do your best for them. This does not mean controlling what their wishes are, however. Instead, it means simply ensuring they know why it is necessary, and the trusted counsel will explain this – it’s to ensure you are in the best position to carry out their wishes if required on their behalf.
Another resource for my parents was also immediately ready and willing to help in the form of my niece. She loved her grandparents dearly and went above and beyond to ensure they had help when they needed it. However, she did not have a car and needed one to get back and forth efficiently from where she lived in town to where my parents lived. At one point, my brother and I concluded Dad was no longer fit to drive – but to our great frustration, we could not get Dad’s doctor to see that Dad was a danger to others on the road, given his often erratic driving behavior. Very briefly, despite several attempts to have my dad assessed by the required specialists, he seemed to know that the purpose was to impact his freedom intuitively. So, although he dutifully attended, often reluctantly, he never completed any of the myriads of tests that would have permitted the professionals to diagnose him firmly. He was, in a word, stubborn. And this was in character for him from the dad I knew. So, we had to work around the fact that we could not point to a firm diagnosis. Rattling off a list of symptoms, while helpful, does not make a diagnosis for certain vital purposes, one being to authorize the suspension or cancellation of a driver’s license.
This is where you must not give up hope. Instead, get creative. Recognizing the liability Dad faced was not going to be addressed by his doctor, who, without a diagnosis
of inability to operate a vehicle, was not prepared to lift Dad’s license. We did a bit of self-help. In speaking with the dealership where Dad had his car serviced, I learned the manager who had dealt with Dad knew him well. He spoke knowledgeably about both my dad and his recent mental decline. He freely related, having had a similar experience with his father. I explained the plan to trade in Dad’s car
to purchase a newer model for my niece. He understood immediately, so getting them on the side was not difficult. We then explained to my dad that his car needed repairs, which it did. We left out that it would stay in repairs and eventually became unrepairable with the dealership’s assistance until he forgot about it and learned to get around using local transit.
On the dealership’s recommendation, I took him to the local insurance appraisal shop, where, by chance, the appraiser recognized the car. I explained who I was, and he explained he had dealt with Dad a few times previously. I outlined
our plan to have the car brought up to saleable condition
to trade it into the dealer and buy a car for my niece to use and asked if insurance might cover some of what looked
like damage caused by others. I showed him my power of attorney documents, and he paused to explain he had been in the same position as his parents, so he knew what we were going through. Upon checking the database for Dad’s car, he realized there were records of a few not-at-fault accidents he had been involved in, which would permit the repairs to be processed through insurance. He went the extra mile to ensure we could get the car appraised and off to the repair shop that afternoon to bring it up to top saleable repair. This allowed the dealership to take in a trade against a newer vehicle for my niece. Again, none of this would have been doable without the paperwork giving me the authority over Dad’s property. Still, it was also more manageable by the combined goodwill of both the manager at the dealership and the appraiser at the insurance appraisal shop.
Lesson: While it’s often difficult and embarrassing to share one’s circumstances, do not underestimate the goodwill of your fellow citizens where your loved ones are concerned. You may be surprised to make a connection that unlocks a treasure trove of assistance or even a small gesture that eases the process. Remember you’re acting for your loved ones, and you might find others are more than willing to help out.
It takes a community...
Apart from family, there are also community institutions to consider. My parents had been long-time members of the Anglican Church despite the church’s original refusal to marry them. That’s another story for another day, but
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