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PATIENCE, PLANNING AND SUPPORT: REFLECTIONS ON DEALING WITH AGING FAMILY MEMBERS
my parents were regular and faithful contributors to their church’s good works wherever they lived. I would rely heavily on the good grace, patience, and generosity of the local priest and members of the local parish in ways I could not have imagined when first coming to grips with the situation my parents were in.
I am not a particularly religious person, but I knew my parents were. That helped as I also knew the church they belonged to would at least have some additional resources to share. Did they give any less because I was not myself a card-carrying member? No, of course not – their focus, and properly so, was on the well-being of their parishioners in a time of need.
This community-based outreach can take many forms, not always religious and not necessarily requiring that your loved ones be “members.” Therefore, the practical point here is this: explore your parents’ personal and community connections. Like yours, theirs will almost always be solid and well-tended. Like yours, their connections will stand them in good stead even in your absence.
So, just as you should not be reluctant to reach out to a colleague locally or across the country, you should also not ignore the built-in community that your parents have. Who do they have lunch, dinner, or coffee with on a regular
basis? What pastimes, groups, or clubs do they enjoy? Here, you will find the friends and close-knit connections they’ve made, both old and new, who can provide much-needed support, particularly if, like me, you cannot “be there” in any meaningful way other than by occasional visits.
III. When being a “professional” isn’t enough
Here’s the difficult pill to swallow: You’ve studied hard, worked hard, and are a respected senior member of your profession – used to finding and fashioning solutions to your client’s problems. And yet, nothing in your studies or work may have prepared you for this very personal challenge. The immediate reaction may be to treat the challenge as you would a problematic file at the office.
And this has its merits, to be sure – it forces a focus and attention to detail you might not otherwise bring to the challenge at hand. For example, conducting a walk and
talk with my mom while also turning the time we had together into a witness interview to learn more about my dad’s situation, while challenging at first, soon came as second nature. This was partly because I realized we only had a short period before my parents would be flying back west. And there are some self-help steps we as lawyers can take with less trepidation – walking into the local bank
to present the paperwork for powers of attorney (or your local equivalent) while daunting for the layperson is much less so for counsel who appears regularly before our local courts. Insisting on the proper and full disclosure of assets in that context takes persistence and sometimes a “polite but firm” tone when institutional inertia is working against the interests of your loved ones.
But there comes that moment – and it matters not whether you’re an experienced courtroom litigator or seasoned appellate counsel – when you not only should but must step aside in your loved one’s best interests to let those with a dispassionate, objective view take the reigns. This may not always be in the legal arena. We like to think we’re pretty good at knowing the facts, finding the theory of the case and pressing the advantage to gain a ruling or settlement
in the client’s best interests. However, being the “lawyer” as opposed to the son or daughter (nephew or niece) can get in the way of what’s best.
We don’t like to be told we don’t know what we’re talking about, but in the case of elder care and meeting the needs
of your loved ones, often we’re in precisely this predicament: we don’t know. We best serve our loved ones by knowing when it’s not enough to be the “lawyer,” when another professional is required, and when we must step back to respect and let that other person or team of persons do their good work.
I’ll briefly describe why there’s no sugar-coating it to end the war story. War is not pretty, and often, elder care involves some not-so-pretty moments. I cannot say it was an easy journey – there were some tough calls with my mom as she struggled with her dad’s deteriorating condition, and there were end-of-life decisions to make for both of them.
My mom called one evening as I was at my desk at home, preparing for a hearing – and what was strange was that her
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