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PATIENCE, PLANNING AND SUPPORT: REFLECTIONS ON DEALING WITH AGING FAMILY MEMBERS
condition, therefore, even if he regained consciousness, Dad would be completely bedridden and dependent on 24- hour care. The doctor held out very little hope of Dad even regaining consciousness. Again, he asked what I wanted to do. In short, I had to make decisions both formally as Dad’s power of attorney for personal care and personally as his only surviving next-of-kin.
The dad I remembered had always cherished his freedom, his ability to go where he pleased and to do the things he enjoyed in life. The dad I remembered, the dad who loved and cared for me and who was quietly proud of all that I had accomplished in life, would not want to be in 24-hour bedridden care.
And so, I said to the doctor that day in words I still remember vividly: “Just keep him comfortable, please.” The doctor looked very relieved and thanked me so much for this guidance. I was puzzled and so asked why he was thanking me since, in my mind, it was I who should thank him and his colleagues for the care and services provided to Dad. What he explained to me and what each of us must consider carefully in our contexts is worth sharing here, regardless of your end-of-life beliefs:
n Given the limited resources they work with, it becomes a real challenge to meet a family’s wishes to maintain a life in these circumstances when all the evidence points to an end-of-life decision.
n And yet, because they have sworn an oath, they are duty-bound to follow the family’s wishes, absent court intervention or the like.
n So often, they are instructed and duty-bound to make herculean but pointless efforts to keep a person alive to meet their oath and a family’s wishes.
He was thanking me, he explained, for not putting him and his staff through that effort. I had no hesitation in saying that Dad would not want such an effort wasted on him if it might be better used to save or make another life better. He had a good life, and for the dad, I remembered, all he would want and all I wanted for him was a peaceful, comfortable, respectful passing.
I later asked the parish priest if I had put everyone through too much trouble and made the wrong decision to let Dad age in place, given his condition. He assured me my dad would not have done well in a nursing home. While Dad was a bit of a character, stubborn, and no doubt a handful to deal with, all in the parish were content to see him have his freedom. And that’s the dad I remember.
Some final thoughts about managing aging in place from a distance:
1. Remember to preserve with respect the dignity and grace that they have earned and deserve – using the trusted counsel, guidance, other family members, and local help available where and when appropriate, deferring to the professionals for truly objective assessment when it counts.
2. Know that distance, while a challenge, is not insurmountable when you remember to ask what assistance you can get from the good people you know. Those your parents or loved ones likely had the good sense to surround themselves with when they could while you were living your life as they wanted you to.
3. And finally, you should not worry as much as I did
– we lawyers, as “A” types, can tend to let the details overwhelm us. My best advice when addressing the needs of your aging loved ones is to remember one overarching theme: Remember where you came from, and the memory will guide you. You can and will do your best – and that will, in every instance, be far more than anyone, including your loved ones, expects of you. So if you do your best, you will have done more than enough, both for them and you.
Take care, be well, and remain safe.
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Marcus Snowden is Principal of Snowden Law in Toronto, ON. Contact him at: marcus@snowdenlaw.ca.