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PATIENCE, PLANNING AND SUPPORT: REFLECTIONS ON DEALING WITH AGING FAMILY MEMBERS
to having a surgical infection, he also developed a reaction to his medications. We tracked when he was receiving his medications and what medications he was taking. Each day, he would have a new hospitalist taking care of him in the hospital, so it was difficult for them to see a pattern, and they sometimes didn’t have time to do a lengthy review of his records. My Mom and I were able to look back at our medication “notes” and identify the problem medication, and the doctors discontinued it. Had we not tracked this information, I doubt that his treating physicians would have figured it out as quickly as we did.
Don’t just document the medications. Take videos of your loved one’s behavior or activities if you are concerned. This helps document what is going on when the doctor
or provider is not in the room. My Mom and I often sent videos to the physicians to “show” certain behaviors that were not present when they visited for a short time once a day. This ended up helping a lot.
Make an effort to surround yourself with as much knowledge as possible. This may come from the treating doctors or friends or family who have medical experience. Finally, utilize your support systems. If you are at the hospital all day, take a walk, get a cup of coffee, or make a phone call to a supportive friend or family member. If you have faith, utilize it and pray.
Most importantly, let your loved ones know you are there for them by respecting them and their presence in the situation. For example, during my Dad’s care, people would often walk into the room and start talking about him without addressing him. Even if your loved one is medically ill or disabled, always make sure that their presence is respected. For example, if a doctor or professional walks into the
room or home and begins to talk about your loved one,
be respectful and apologize. Say, “Dad, this is Beth, your physical therapist, and we are talking about you now... We would like you to hear and participate if you can.” All decisions (unless beyond their abilities mentally) should be made to include their input and listen to their goals. Most importantly, it’s about respecting the person and ensuring that they are included in important decisions about their health needs.
Summary
Most people who need this level of support and care
are concerned and frightened that things will never get better and worried about what will happen in the future. Challenges present themselves in the hospital, when they come home, and even during recovery. You want them to feel safe and feel loved. They want to feel your touch. They want to complain (I think you get mad at them because they’re upset with themselves). It may feel like they want to push you away, but they want attention and caring. They may challenge you hour by hour, day by day. To get through this, keep focused on the person and their goal. When you feel like you need a break, take a break (your loved one
won’t want you to and may punish you when you return), but you need one. When my Dad was in the hospital, and
I was there with him, I used to tell him that I was going to Starbucks for my “daily cup of coffee.” He knew that I loved that, and it was a treat for me. He got used to it, and it became “routine.” For me, the cup of coffee could also turn into a phone call for support or a brisk walk around the block.
Guilt is a big concern for caregivers. You ask yourself: Did I give enough? Did I do enough? Can I do more? Avoid these questions in your head because, in the end, you are one person who is there to help your loved one get through a very difficult time. Doing your best is the best you can do. Balance is important. Be present at the moment, whether you are with your loved one or trying to meet the needs of your family, friends, or work colleagues. Remember that you can only do your best. Live and behave with no regret because you don’t know how much longer you may have with them.
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Ketia B. Wick is Principal/Owner at Favros Law in Seattle, WA. Contact her at: ketia@favros.com.