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Overcoming Obstacles to Empathy Claudia Escribano
Sr. Instructional Designer C2 Technologies, Inc.
Last September, my Leadership Development Community of Practice conducted a “Monthly Focus” on empathy via a series of social media posts. So, I had been reading and thinking a lot about empathy when I came face-to-face with just how hard it is to practice.
During a coffee break, I found my daughter at war with her computer, cursing and crying. This was my moment to practice empathy. Fighting an overwhelming urge to offer solutions, I said, “Oh, that must be so frustrating.” Then, I froze because I didn’t know what to do next. I stood there awkwardly for a minute, then wandered away, defeated.
Upon reflection, I saw that four obstacles hindered my ability to offer empathy that day; however, a few simple shifts could have surmounted them.
Obstacle 1: Focusing on Myself
Obstacle 2: Judging
Obstacle 3: Offering Solutions
Obstacle 4: Fleeing Discomfort
I was stuck in my own head, spiraling through “Do something!”, “What’s wrong with you?”, and “What should I do?”
Instead, I should have pushed all my attention onto my daughter so that 1) she could feel my concern and
2) I could get more information to offer the right support.
The judgmental part of me was wondering, “Why is she getting so upset over a little thing like this?”
Judging shuts down empathy. I needed to put aside my view of the situation and get curious about my daughter’s view. What was making this hard for her?
When I see a problem,
my brain starts generating solutions. I had a million suggestions for my daughter —probably none of which were relevant.
Instead, I could have listened and asked questions to understand the situation from her perspective. I could have asked, “How can I help?” and been open to her responses.
Negative emotions are uncomfortable. I just wanted to end her frustration, and my discomfort, quickly— another reason to rush to
solutions.
Instead, I should have mustered the courage to sit with her and share that uncomfortable place, letting her feel all her emotions until she was ready to move on.
Today, empathy is the key to business success: from leading effectively to designing useful products and services. So, we need to get good at it! Through deliberate
practice and a few shifts in our mindsets and habits, we
can overcome empathy obstacles and truly
support others.
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