Page 79 - Javanan Magazine Issue # 1885

From The Desk Of The Editor ISSUE No. 1885
JAVANAN
Jaleh from Iran until dawn. How many nights we
A DIVORCE THAT WAS didn't sleep at all and went to school
with red puffy eyes and you didn't
THE WISH OF MY CHILDREN even see.

Did you ever realize when I went
through childhood and adolescence,
mom? Did you ever see my tears at
of divorce. night? Do you know how much I miss
My only reason for accepting your hugs, your caressing hands, your
this situation and tolerating this encouraging words? Do you know
man was my children. My kids that my heart burned with these re-
were only 10, 13, and 15 years
ne night, after a long grets at the beginning of adolescence?
noisy fight with my hus- old. I said to myself that I will Did you know what was going on at
Oband, my 15-year-old endure all these sufferings our school? Did you know that my
daughter quietly came into my until my little birds learn to brother wrote the most emotional
room and sat next to me. fly, then I will leave this man and tragic story? Did you know that
"Mommy," she said. "When will forever. With this reason- my sister drew the most expressive
you put an end to these terrible ing, I endured this marriage painting and brought tears to the eyes
fights?" for many years. Until that of hundreds of people with the paint-
"Whenever you grow up." I said, night when my daughter ing that showed a girl in her mother's
wiping my tears. "Whenever you shook me with her words. arms?
start your independent life. Whenev- She made me understand I wish you would divorce in the first
er I don't worry about you anymore." that I have been wrong years, mom. Then, at least we would
My daughter took my hands in her all these years, that I sleep comfortably at night, we would
small and trembling ones. "Can I have not heard their open our eyes to life with hope, we
please ask you to break up? For us? heart's desire correctly. would have the opportunity to at least
Please end these fights for our sake." "You never saw us." take refuge in your arms. I wish you
I stared at her in astonishment. My daughter said. would divorce in the first years, so
My husband and I also had a conflict "You had never seen that we would not have suffered for so
in Iran. My husband was a patriarch our secret tears, our many years, we would not have borne
dictator. He used to say that whatever pain. Over the years,
a man says is an order and whatever every time your noc- the burden of this heavy sadness on
he wants must be done. He used to say turnal fights started, our weak shoulders in the most pas-
that a man is the king of the house. Ac- we each took ref- sionate years of our lives. I wish you
cording to the culture in which I grew uge in a corner, hid had parted ways in the early years, so
up, I was subservient to him to some under our blankets that we would know the sweet taste of
extent, but sometimes I got frustrated, and covered our adolescence and the beginning years
rebelled, ran away from his house and ears, wiped away our tears and wait- of our adulthood."
sought refuge in my mother's home. cause ed for the house to calm down so we I hugged my daughter and cried with
But unfortunately, my mother would of my children. I had could fall asleep with exhaustion, to her for all these wasted years. The
send me back after a few hours. You hopes for the future. Little by little, next day, I took my husband to a res-
have to deal with the hardships of your we got used to living in a new country. start another sad day. taurant to talk. I asked him to end this
life, she would say. You're the mother My husband started his own business. For years, we've been going to school chaotic life. I asked him to part ways
of three children. You're responsible I also helped him. But now we had every morning tired and depressed. with me. I said we should decide what
for them. You should no longer think two scenes to our fights; Home and For years, we've been sitting in the to do with this life before the sad dawn
only of yourself. workplace. classroom, pale and sleepy. For years, of another day. I simply wasted all
The day my husband decided to emi- Several times our fights led to meet- we've not responded to the invitations those years that I thought I endured
grate, I was full of joy; I had heard ings with a psychologist and even a of our classmates and friends. And everything for the sake of the chil-
that the current laws in Europe and the meeting with a divorce lawyer. It was we've not dared to invite anyone, lest dren, I told him. I destroyed the good
United States support women, respect at this time that my husband realized someone find out about the disaster in years of our life for myself and for my
their rights, and domestic violence that he does not have all the rights in our house. For years, we have been children.
are met with a harsh legal response. this country. He realized that I also isolated and lonely in school, in class My husband came to his senses, but
This made me play a persuasive role have rights as a human being. For ex- and in the neighborhood, and no one it doesn't matter to me anymore. I got
in our immigration issue. And finally, ample, not only half of everything he knows the reason except ourselves. to know life anew through the eyes of
we came to this country. During this had belonged to me, but he had to pay How many nights we held each other, my 15-year-old daughter and I know
period, we would still get into huge all my and our children's expenses. trembled and cried at the height of that this deep knowledge will deter-
fights, leading to arguments and even Knowing about these, he apparently your fights and beatings. How many mine a different destiny for me.
beatings. But I tried to be patient be- gave up and did not pursue the issue nights our terrified shivering lasted Translation: Massi Zokaei
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