Page 18 - The Standard Volume 2

Raising a
Justin Lajoie
A defiant or rebellious child is defined as one who consistently fights, resists, and/or challenges the authority of a responsible caring adult, mainly their parents.
What are some factors that can lead or contribute to defiance in a child?
There are a multitude of factors that contribute to defiant and rebellious behaviors that go against set rules and expectations. It is important to remind ourselves that children are children as they have not completed their physical, psychological, and emotional development. Therefore, they have not fully matured, and skills such as following rules and directions, still need to be learned. Regrettably, most children, if not all, will experience disappointment in their lives in not being able to get their way. It should be expected that a child will struggle with this reality. Experiencing a traumatic event is another leading factor in a child’s defiant behavior. When one experiences trauma, a complexity of emotions and thoughts can overcome the child. The child may feel as if they are not in control. When a child has no control over a situation that is directly impacting them, they feel unsafe. This can equate to a child shutting down and not allowing a parent to step in and take control.
Another common theme in families with a defiant child unfortunately are single parent homes. Families are not meant to function with one parental figure. Parents will often times give into a child’s demands to make up where the absentee parent may be lacking. In some instances the child will grow to not like, respect, or trust the parent that cares for them. Some children will even grow to idolize the absentee parent and resent the one who is caring for them.
As children get older they can fall prey to influences outside of a parent’s control and peers can be a key factor in this
Child
influence. Children find it easier and more tempting to break a rule if their friends are breaking the same rules. It gives them a sense of belonging and fitting in with today’s society. As a child develops into a teenager, they are constantly seeking to develop their own identity and separate themselves from their parents.
Lastly, a child will not consistently follow someone who they do not respect nor trust.
What are some things parents can do about defiant children?
Every parent in this situation desires things to change and for their children to be able to listen and follow directions. From a family systems perspective, there are a few places where a parent can start to have an impact. However, this involves parents being a part of that change and doing some work as well. Let’s face it, children are not going to change on their own. More than likely a child has little to no motivation to change because their defiance is working for them! Parents are the ones capable of changing at a quicker pace than children, which results in the child responding by changing as well.
One practical solution is making sure parents have structure within the home. In other words, what is your routine/ expectation in the morning, evening, and weekend? Let’s start with the evening. Do you have set times when your children are expected to do homework or some other enriching activity? We are not referring to watching TV, playing video games, or using a tablet or cell phone. Do you make it a habit of having a set dinner time when everyone comes together and connects? Or does everyone go to their separate corners of the house? Coming together on a routine basis is important for bonding and building relationships within the family. Families also need to have time together to do something that is fun on a weekly, if
18 THE STANDARD | January 2020
Defiant