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going to make her feel? You’re the cruel one.”
Her words dogged me through the night. At first I tried to ignore them. What did Mother Smith know
about Nell or me? We were strangers to her. Nell needed someone to hold her. No one at the orphan house would do that; they’d sit her in the corner and scold her.
But Mother Smith was right. I was being selfish, holding Nell close, showing her how to play catch with the twins. I needed her more than she needed me. How long would Eliza keep me, a day maybe, a week if I were lucky? She had her own family to worry about. I needed to do right by Nell and go back to my own home. I had my feet under me now. I knew how to walk.
One good thing about not being able to sleep was that I remembered to wake Nell and have her do her business in the chamber pot. I was just tucking her in long after midnight when Eliza came home. She was too weary to speak.
I rose early and kept the children quiet by serving them breakfast outside. I didn’t care if anyone thought it improper. Philadelphia was long past worrying about where children ate their bread, and Eliza needed to sleep. She joined us outside with a cup of tea when she finally woke.
“I don’t know when I last slept so much,” she said. “Thank you for taking care of the children.” She bent over to give Robert and William a kiss. “You seem to have the day well in hand, Miss Mattie.” She stopped. Nell was tugging at Eliza’s dress. “What do you want, honeybee?”
Nell pointed to her forehead.
“She wants you to kiss her, like you did the boys,” I said.
Eliza’s laughter sounded clean and strong. She swooped Nell off the ground and gave her a big hug
and kiss on the cheek before setting her on the ground to play with the boys. The three of them were chasing a raggy-tailed rooster around the courtyard.
I scuffed a pebble across the street. “That rooster should be in a pen,” I said. “He might hurt the children.”
“Nonsense,” said Eliza. “He won’t hurt anything. Why is your face so long?”
I scuffed another pebble. “I need to take Nell to the orphan house. The more I put it off, the harder it will be.”
Eliza sat on the stoop. “Mother Smith has been talking to you.”
I nodded. “She’s right. I know she’s right. But it’s so hard to think about next week or next month. Look at her. She is happy today. I’m . . . I’m happy today. I don’t think were a burden, are we?”
Eliza shook her head. “But.”
“But. I can’t just think about today. I have to think ahead. Even if Mother is alive, she won’t want another girl child to raise up. She’s only just finished with me, and heaven knows that was hard enough. And what if Mother isn’t alive?” I raised my hand as Eliza started to speak. “You know it’s possible. I’ve tried to avoid thinking about it, but I can’t. In any event, Nell needs to go. I don’t want to, but it would be better for her.”
The rooster hopped into the air, flapping his wings and sending feathers everywhere. The children shrieked and ran in circles.
Eliza stood up. “If you’ve made up your mind, then we should leave right now. No telling what the future will bring. I’ll get my hat. The boys can stay here with Joseph.”
***
I felt like an turncoat, a traitor. Nell walked between us for a few blocks, then asked me to carry her.
She wasn’t over losing her mother; that would take a long time, but she seemed content enough to be with me. I knew Eliza’s eyes were on me, but she kept her thoughts to herself. I tried to force my thoughts away from the heartbreak. It was impossible. We walked past blocks of empty houses along streets that felt abandoned. I am not abandoning Nell, I told myself sternly; I’m doing the right thing, no matter how much it hurts.