Page 94 - Herioter 2020

I’ve stopped saying, ‘When I grow up’
and started saying, ‘If I grow up.’ (Let’s
face it: if anyone was forever trapped in
childhood it would be me.) In the words
of a faded motivational poster on the
wall of a computing room at school, ‘Try
to do something you’re not ready for
every day. That’s how we grow.’
There are, however, some certainties
that we can look forward to when we
get older. So, being a lot older and (I
hope) very marginally wiser than my
younger self, here is a modified list of
rules for growing up.

When I grow up I will:
1. Find lukewarm cups of tea all over
the house/apartment.
2. Constantly walk into rooms with a
The joy of being in P1 - when a clay owl makes you very happy!
purpose, then leave a minute later
Growing Up: When I was a kid I spent a ludicrous having completely forgotten what
it was I intended to do.
amount of time fantasising about
The Truth being ‘grown up’. If I wasn’t trying on 3. Consider curling up on a couch
with some After Eights, reading
my mum’s clothes, I would be playing
‘university’ (a very aptly-named and the latest best-seller until after
‘When I grow up…’ fairly self-explanatory game, if I say 10 o’clock, and calling it a ‘wild
Saturday night’.
so myself) with my friends. Like most
If a parent or primary school teacher 4. Never make it through the first
received a pound for every time they children around that age, I couldn’t half hour of a film without falling
heard this phrase, I reckon they could wait to eat as much sugar as humanly asleep.
quit their job and retire to the Bahamas possible without being told off, to set 5. Use phrases like ‘Bob’s your uncle’
within a year. For little children, growing my own bedtime and to be able to stay (he’s not, he’s my grandpa) and
up is a certainty – it is inevitable, and at home and do what I wanted all day, ‘my giddy aunt’ on a regular basis.
the four words are often followed by every day. 6. Keep a box stacked full of
‘…be rich,’ or ‘…become a princess,’ or But, I think, on reflection, I was possibly Emergency Greetings Cards all
‘drive a Mercedes.’ (In case you were confusing adulthood with being an year round.
wondering, I stalwartly believed I insomnolent sugar-junkie with no 7. Develop a sudden interest in
would emerge from the cocoon of friends, no job and countless therapy gardening, birds and possibly the
childhood as a budding teen rockstar, appointments. moisture-content of the ground.
Hannah-Montana-style until… who I assumed that when you hit the big 8. Attend a never-ending entourage
of coffee mornings because I can’t
am I kidding? I still half believe 1 8 everything would click into place find a valid excuse not to go.
my rock’n’roll career will work out and suddenly you would have your life 9. Frown disapprovingly when I see
eventually.) together, know everything there is to someone wearing a miniskirt (or is
know about washing machines and be
Not many people (I’ll probably be it a belt? Hard to tell.) And wince
an exception, of course) actually able to fend for yourself in the world. whenever there is unnecessary
go on to fulfil these dreams, but If you’re reading this and panicking swearing on TV.
that’s because 5-year-olds aren’t or thinking, wait – that ISN’T what 10. Have one-way (often passive-
happens? – then I hate to break it to
known for being all about realism. you, but it doesn’t quite work like that. aggressive, more often just plain
I mean, what kind of sad kid says, aggressive) conversations with
‘When I grow up I want to be associate Growing up is a gradual process – other drivers within the safety of
manager of a branch of a company that possibly the longest there is. You can my own car.
does or sells something I don’t quite reach the age of 50 and still have no So, I guess you could say that the truth
understand’? Or ‘be an investment clue what the phrase ‘grown up’ really about growing up is that most of us
banker’? (No offence intended – we entails, but that’s ok. It truly is a case never do.
appreciate all the work you do for this of learning on the job. When people ask
country, you financial tycoons.) me what I want to do beyond school, Esther Arthurson (S5)

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